Surviving Peter-Pan Syndrome

I was in love.  He had Peter-Pan Syndrome (PPS). We didn’t make it.

I’ve read the book (The Peter-Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dr. Dan Kiley) but it’s a lot to grasp and can’t find much more current information or help.  I want to connect with other people who have dealt with this syndrome,…those who are victims or survivors. This is not a bitchy-girl blog where every chick complains about how bad he was — I am of the mind that it takes two to tango and I take full responsibility that I am a “Tinkerbell”. (“Wendys” or “Peters” — I want to hear from you too.)

I am speaking strictly from my own personal soulful experience.  (Which basically means I have no fucking clue what’s really going on, and I’m just doing my best to make it through the mire LOL)

I am a girl. Whose heart is slightly broken. Who is seeking to understand what happened.  To her,… to what she thought was real,.. to love,… to her man she loved deeply.

I am going to write a book, so I will post excerpts and trust that the universe will bring me a support circle.  I hope you are a part of that.

xxoo, Tinker.

I honestly didn’t know what it was like to be with someone who has a sort of… pathological inability to feel empathy.  Coupled with narcissism and bravado, Electra-complex dependency on his mom, with profound insecurity and whole lot of self-pity thrown in.  This means you have a guy who APPEARS to be carefree and young-at-heart at the same time he’s petulantly bossy (mistaken for alpha-ness), while at the same time being wholly innocent-appearing in his inept relating (verbal, emotional, and sexual.) And nothing’s ever his fault.  Nothing.  He’s never to blame although he’s constantly apologizing and crying — he never sees anything as his responsibility even as he’s bouncing checks and the water gets shut off — he doesn’t see your unhappiness as a direct result of his inaction and breaking his promises over & over — he doesn’t see himself for how his pseudo-cheerfulness is actually a little creepily inappropriate.  He doesn’t see his juvenile jokes as ill-timed when you’re asking for serious reassurance, he doesn’t see his lack of action as anything connected to his not doing anything, he doesn’t realize that he sucks up ANY information about himself yet doesn’t bother to notice that you’re bleeding.  He pretends to listen all while planning what he is going to say, but if you ask him to pony up the goods to respond he falls back on the mantra of “I don’t know what to say.”  He’s a middle-aged man who drives drunk and loves to be part of a party.  His idea of cherishing you is letting you do things for him and being eternally grateful (he is actually quite delighted that he should deserve such wonderful attention from you and praises you continuously as to how he’d never get along without you).  He forgets to give you a Christmas present. He basically forgets anything of detail that you’ve ever told him about you.  His feelings are always hurt yet you could be crying and suffering an anxiety attack right in front of him, stating so, and he will abandon you to go work-out then later when confronted with his insensitivity, say “I didn’t know!”

He will readily admit things like “I’m not good at talking about my feelings”, “It’s a tragedy that family always comes last”, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do!”  He has a strange “blindness” to many things you say, wear, or do — he may mention that he loves something or wants something, but when you do it, he blatantly JUST doesn’t notice.

He takes sexual dysfunction to a whole other level — he says he wants sex, talks a LOT about it, speaks boastingly about his conquests and skills — but doesn’t initiate, doesn’t enact what he says he’s so good at or likes so much, if you push the issue he is physically unresponsive. He’s jumpy if you put the moves on him, if you touch his privates he may actually squeal & jump back, instead of leaning into the touch (as most guys would.  Hell, even a guy who’s mad at you, if you touch him down there, he WILL unwittingly respond.)  Think of a nervous kid who accidentally gets his dick touched, he’s uncomfortably excited yet scared and anxious by his body’s new responses.  Most might want to explore this condition like an adventure, I imagine some reject it as a fearful affliction.

He’s fantastic at wide-eyed innocence, to the point where you question your own memory or perceptions.

Often when a situation calls for a somber note of serious attention (for you), he’ll contrive a drama that should take precedence (and pretend like he doesn’t deserve the stage, all the while sucking you in and telling you anyways, thereby monopolizing the conversation.)

Often when you want him to state the simple truth, he’ll crack a stupid overly-cheerful joke.

Has amnesia.  About a lot.  For fights you’ve just had… and acts like a Mr. Rogers Stepford-wife.  A new day means a fresh slate and he doesn’t recall that you were mad, there was a horrible fight, and most especially that he was supposed to make amends or DO something to fix it.

He appears to be genuinely touched by acts of service or gifts that others give, but he rarely returns the favor.

He’s stingy and doesn’t notice that he didn’t contribute money or do any work.
He takes you for granted most of the time.  Even though all he wants is to be around you.

He feels guilty all the time while doing nothing about it.

He complains about situations in his life that he just doesn’t understand how they got so out of control — he doesn’t associate HIS part in it.  He really acts completely baffled and is a broken-record for the phrase “I just don’t know how this happened” (but can’t cite any reason why it shouldn’t have).

He can’t seem to think on his own to figure out what things need to be done.  Even if you make a list, the next day he will draw a blank on what tasks to tackle.

He really truly fights like an eleven year-old.  He hits below the belt, says unimaginably horrible and caustic things — but afterwards says he didn’t mean any of it.  He actually doesn’t really remember what he said, yet also isn’t that shocked by the toxicity of the words (i.e. doesn’t show remorse or contrition.)

He never really makes up for what he says he’s sorry for.

He displays an unnatural gaity in situations when it’s beyond inappropriate.

Sometimes he will just disappear in the middle of a party that you’re both putting on, he’ll be in bed asleep.

When he gets drunk his personality changes.

He has no deep relationships, people who he regularly has heart-to-heart talks with.

He is not close to his mother even though he’s a mama’s-boy.  So it’s a strange kind of “not close” (even though she may do considerably for him.)

He has a lot of anxiety attacks.

He thinks you’re the strongest person on the planet and needs you.

He’s a big-talker.

Inability to notice what’s going on around him.

Comments
  1. Vivian says:

    My husband is like this, well at least he’s 70% like this. We have two children and I swear I’m a replacement for his mother, not his wife. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m thinking of separating from him. I could really use some advise. I love my husband but I need him to be my partner, not my son.

  2. Claire says:

    Omg… This sounds sooooo familiar. He hurt me so bad and yet few months later doesn’t seem to remember it. I feel so much better now that I put a name on his “problem”. My heart still hopes that one day we will make it but my brain starts to understand that unfortunately it won’t be the case… 😦

    • A few months…? LOL Usually it’s by the next DAY haha I do have to say, I equivocally do not “condemn” relationships w/PPs — I display many of those traits in my own way, I’m pretty sure my mother does too. I’ve have pa-lenty of my own,… um, mental/relational/personality dispositions, QUIRKS okay? (Keeping away from ‘disorder’ heh heh.) That I’ve had to work against, work with, overcome — so I by no means relegate things to impossible. Hell, MUCH of my life has knocked up against that word and breaking the ceiling. But it took me a long time to differentiate between “hope” in my heart, and wishful thinking, delusion, denial, romanticism brainwashing… Bluntly, I could rarely interpret WHAT crap my heart was saying or in WHAT language, what my head was saying, whispers of the past, my ego, devil/angel on my shoulder, made UP stuff, maybe I heard it in a movie blah blah bah. And as they say, “hope aint a plan.” The ONE thing I learned (am continually learning, am learning NOW) is that I did not want to be in a relationship alone. So the criteria for WHOMEVER I choose to be with, THEY had to “be there” too. Be present, be as invested. How to “fight” productively, how to get over myself (pull my big head out of my ass), how to forgive, how to PRODUCTIVELY not forget, yet STILL maintain honoring myself for a standard of how I deserved to be treated — has been a righteous path. Doesn’t mean it don’t hurt, doesn’t mean it’s not fraught w/landmines or scream fests, it just means that both of you are in it together and are WILLING to do it badly until you do it better,… and then it just doesn’t matter anymore. You (the relationship) just IS. You love each other and everyone fucks up and have brainless lapses and intentions get skewed. But eventually you (both) just develop the trust and backbone to keep going. And mutually formulate the “agreement/contract” between your souls. Like that movie The Mexican (? I think), w/Julia Roberts & Brad Pitt, where she is disgruntled/confused about whether they’ve run their course and keeps asking something like “when is it time to give up & move on? when you think you’ve had enough…?” And everyone she meets doesn’t have a real answer (that satsifies her), but when she finally asks her boyfriend/husband, Brad’s character, his simple response is (paraphrased) “when you love someone,… never.” (Shivers down your backbone, am I right?!)
      Anyways — important to note, re-read what I’ve written today about relationship conditions (love may be unconditional, but relationships sure as frack are not, oh they have conditions for DAMN sure), — and ask yourself,… did you automatically apply it to the opposite sex? Your peter-pan boyfriend/girlfriend lover? Hear me when I say this, THIS SHIT APPLIES TO EVERYONE YOU LOVE!!!

      For the few months of this year, I have received the wonderful, spectacular, PRICELESS gift of participating in developing a relationship with a friend I’ve known since 1st grade. She said I could live at their place prettymuch indefinitely since her husband was on furlough and boy did we learn QUICK, that thaaaaat was not going to be a good idea HAHAHA Or rather, let me interpret what the universe was telling us, “not a good idea for the exact people and circumstances we were at that moment.” Break that down,… I was “damaged” (as in, injured,… needing to heal), fragile, trying to re-integrate into society, gun-shy virtually having been shut-away in a daarrrrrk cave, wanting to run/fly afraid to move — she had her own life going on, juggling her “plates” in the air w/her hands AND feet omg (kids, husband gone, bills, household, pets, job, chemistry etc.) Together, sometimes we were 2-halves-of-a-whole, sometimes we were toxic magnets repelling each other. Regardless — through some strange and uncomfortable and lovely and yes, sometimes LOUD exchanges — we revealed ourselves, our vulnerability. Intimacy is the gauge for depth of relationship. INTIMACY. And we all know how relative that concept is. How you share you, how they share them, what you both evolve, what you both grow past,… what you CHOOSE. And I wouldn’t trade one difficult minute she & I have been through in exchange for smooth & easy. Smooth & easy is just a term for superficial and BORING hahaha!!
      Anyways, best of luck to you Claire. Hear my smile when I say this, I don’t care whether things work out for a relationship between he & you — but I SURE as fuck care whether things work out in the relationship with you and YOURSELF!! We are never going to lose if we focus on THAT, eh?!
      xxoo, Kath.

  3. PeterPanned says:

    Mine has all of the symptoms and behavior you described. He has a narcissistic personality disorder and gaslights rather than to admit to any mistakes or responsibility. Quite a coward. I’m trying to get out of the marriage.

  4. BeautifulMonkey says:

    Omg, I’m dating the man you just described. We have been together for 4 years. He could move on to the next person to cling to without a second thought. The only thing is, he will stay as long as I let him because it’s “comfortable.” It’s truly horrible to fall in love with someone who will never have the capacity to love you the same in return. Sadly I know that he loves me the best he is emotionally/mentally capable of. He seriously just doesn’t get it. I feel more sad for him than myself because I choose to stay and he seems lost as to how to treat another human being. Which means he is destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Red flag should have been the fact that he’s 43 and his longest relationship was 4.5 years. No others have even come close. I can’t get him to see that there’s an issue and trying to communicate with him is literally like talking to a teenager… ie, sarcasm, rolling eyes, tit for tat, he has literally crossed his arms over his chest tightened his lips and refused to speak before during an argument. Ugh, I’m so lost.

    • Ok now, a bunch of the things you stated could apply to me! HAHAHA

      Personally, I do not think the length of a relationship indicates significance or lack thereof — hell, I’d be more apt to judge one that lasts a jillion years with one party constantly bitchin’ & moanin’ cuz it basically means they be slow and can’t catch a clue ya’know? Plus, 4.5 years is a pretty long time. At least for me. I’ve had 6-mo relationships that were shooting stars, intense and still memorable. And I’ve had 3-yr relationships that were a fog since I was depressed and sleepwalking. I would think that if the durations were only a few months (whatever the honeymoon period is), that’d be a flag,… people who can only do the fun/exciting/sexy/best-behavior stuff and can’t move through the hard (real life) messy stuff, are a dime a dozen. That’s not merely restricted to peters. Me, I argue more with other women about how their expectations are unrealistic (bull) to cry & whine that the guy isn’t as romantic as during the courtship. Of fucking COURSE it’s not! Why they think anyone could sprint an entire marathon is whack. Men are hunters, when they acquire the prize why would they continue to hunt it??? Then to really get myself in trouble, I ask when the last time she sent flowers or chocolates to HIM? You’d be surprised how many chicks virtually snarl & turn on me LOL. Why is the definition of romantic double-standards? I don’t like roses, I don’t like chocolate. Give me meat & chrysanthemums any day. It might SEEM like I’m digressing, but my point is EACH PERSON is responsible for the contribution of themselves to the table. If I know I’m one side of the magnet, doesn’t it make sense that I should be aware and educated with my own polarity and what I attract/repel? We gotta be careful that our dilemma is not misdiagnosed Men are from Mars/Women Venus thang for true true pps.

      *REMINDER TO EVERYONE* PPs are only half the equation. As hard as it is to hear, normal people don’t hang around to be treated like dirt. Codependency has a co in there for a reason. Sooooo are you a Wendy or a Tink? Sounds like Tinkerbell since you’re trying to get him to come to his senses — which (offending-danger alert) sounds like you mostly want him to see it your way(?) It’s none of our jobs to FIX anyone else. I’ve found the opposite to be true, the more I fix myself, the more my circle of people seem to reflect the level of growth I achieve. When I focused on myself growing, those around me interested in the same thing (what I had) ASKED about it, wanted it too. The analogy I learned is that healthy relationships are an H — each person stands on their own with a common bond. Unhealthy ones are like an A — ya gots the crazy-making stuff between you (that no one else would put up with), tying y’all together (like duct-tape w/thumb-tacks embedded), and if any person tries to stand up straight the other side falls over and leans on them harder.
      My understanding is that PPs are like a cake recipe and are a specific combo of psychologically determined dysfunctions. It’s not just immaturity, it’s not just commitment-phobe, not just fear of intimacy. It’s an INABILITY to be accountable or have empathy (coupled with a sprinkling of other shit.) Someone can be an ass, yet be able to be faithful or devoted or committed. PPs is more of a color-blindness. That defect may never be able to be cured, but there are ways to work around it, work with it. But the pan has to want to care about it enough to deal with it.

  5. Tiffany says:

    Hi all-

    I came upon this blog trying to find out how to get over a broken heart. I was with pps guy for 4 years and i didnt know that he even had it,untill i came upon this. I thought i was going crazy. All of the signs point straight to him. I broke up with him for him quitting 2 jobs,nothing was ever his fault,no emotion, also wanted the next best thing in the technical world. made me feel bad if i didnt have sex with him. Im trying to get over all of this but its hard

  6. R says:

    Not sure when you wrote this but it is really describing the man I am married to. He’s 43 and acts and dresses like a 15 year old. Everything is my fault. He never apologizes for anything, why would he, in his eyes he’s perfect? I am the irrational crazy person. He’s an alcoholic who is so self absorbed it’s not even funny. All he wants to do is work his paying job the bare minimum so he can pursue his rock star dreams…meanwhile I am on the backburner. He’ll get to me when that doesn’t work out. I am at my wits end and am not sure how much more of his crap I can take.
    It’s been very difficult for me to leave him even though I have wanted to for years (yes, years). Why is it so hard? I feel like one day he’ll snap out of it but I am beginning to think that is some fantasy on my part. I guess I am a Wendy? I guess I am also scared to be alone even though I know I deserve better. I’m so confused

  7. devun f says:

    Well, I am a 30 year old peter pan. graduated college in 2006 and haven’t had the courage to find a real job in the field I went to school for. My last gf of almost 3 years ended things(first 2 breakups I managed to get 2nd and 3rd chances), but this time I moved on right away because I thought thats what she wanted. They were just flings. I havent been able to find anyone who grabbed my attention the way she did. After reading these comments I feel absolutely horrible and crushed with how hard it must have been for her, especially cause I realize now how hard she tried to make things work. I thought she was trying to fix me and I acted like that was an insult. I’m constantly telling myself that things will change, waiting for someone to offer me a “real” job, while I sit and do nothing about it. I’m more concerned with learning to play hockey again as an adult, skateboarding, snowboarding and playing in a band. oh woe is me. Smoking weed was my excuse for not being pro-active but I quit and still can’t force myself to do anything. So i’ve sworn off relationships for good, I don’t need to hurt, or hurt anyone anymore. Therapist told me I was depressed, so I saw my doctor and was turned off by how easy it was to get prescribed anti-depressants. So I refused them. Seeing how theres not many options for treatment maybe I should give them a try. I sound like an asshole. typical peter pan. but i swear I have empathy.

    • Wow,… kudos man for having the guts to post your thoughts. Really — good on you. And jackpot for us, to receive the benefit of input from another angle. THANK YOU. The fact that you’re doing some introspection and are reflecting on how POSSIBLY, your memory of the past compared to the reality — maybe not being the same, is HUGE. Not just for a pp but for a human! I know for me, the wake-up calls I got about how I saw myself, how others perceived my behavior/voice/demeanor etc, how they were affected by them,… me, how they were hurt, how I hurt them — I ached so much inside to contemplate that as a person I must have been so far gone, I didn’t even know how out of alignment I was?? But what I had to absorb was that I was the perfect byproduct of the environment I was raised in. And the saying is, I may not be responsible for my disease but I AM responsible for my recovery. Enlightenment is CRAPPY haha! Once you’re exposed to it, you can’t claim ignorance anymore and you have to CHOOSE. I do CrossFit. And that shit is HARD because it’s real. A wise friend canned 2 possible responses by new people trying the sport for the 1st time: #1 OhmyGAWD how did I let my earthsuit get in this fuckedup condition??? and #2 This is just too hard.

      Don’t give up. That’s the easy (poor-me) way out. Since when have we EVER been told that becoming the very best of ourselves is a cakewalk? Especially if we’ve been in the dregs. Uhhhhh only by know-it-alls who have never been through adversity amen. Metaphorically, we are beautiful and fantastic and whole — we just have some mud on us,… and we gotta figure out a way to wash that off. If I were to list the things I’ve overcome, hell SURVIVED, there might be a lot of people who feel sorry for me. Or more likely, worship me as a saint HAHA! Who cares, save your pity. No matter how damaged or mentally ill or in a spiritual body cast or lonely or alone I’ve been/felt — nothing can erase the absolute knowing that inside I am a warrior goddess and NOTHING. Can take that away. My whole path has been about uncovering the truth of me, not inventing it. Different phases of my life are ILLUSIONS that try to trick me into renouncing myself & my strength w/God. But if I’m steel, the problems are only shrouds. Shrouds made of varying materials,… maybe spray-paint, a rusted metal net, silk, caviar, strawberry jam dripping with ebola,…mud. It will take sorting out the proper solution to eradicate that particular shroud. So what I choose to do, is shift my perception, presentation, and ownership of it. THIS ENTIRE BLOG — IS THE LIST. And truly,… I love this gift of words that the universe has entrusted to me. I am fortunate to be blessed enough to have the balls to confess to all my flaws & faults in public. With pretty sentences to boot, right?! WE,… have to bring meaning to our path, it’s not airmailed to us. But here’s the deal — if you ARE a peterpan, and have spent a lot of time not really participating in life,… you don’t see the irony that upon discovering that you now have a name to your ailment so therefore a potential cache of solutions for that ailment — your whining vow is to withdraw participation???? I hope you’re laughin’ cuz I am. The other (glaring-to-me) chuckle op is that you take the easy way out to just swear off relationships yet refuse to take advantage of meds because they’re too easy to get. FUNNY!! hahaha

      Embrace your assholeness man!! haha I’m an asshole quite often, believe-it-or-not that skill aint restricted to typical peters LMFAOOOOOO thankgod. If I woulda quit when I found out I had the tendency to be an asshole (or when I found out I was dysfunctional, co-dependent, a Tinkerbell, a bulimic, a mind-reader empath, on n on n on…) — would there have been someone else to be “me”, to write this blog, to put the words out there into the universe to find you?

      Pay me back the right way to thank me properly for MY being asshole-ish enough to air my dirty laundry. Become an expert on what it actually takes for a peter-pan to grow up. That’ll be $50 please 🙂

      • DH says:

        PPS has recently come to my attention after living with this my whole life. I cannot tell you how fun it is living with PPS however I can understand how it would be hurtful for those around me.

  8. Geminigrl says:

    Wowie…. I believe I am also in the spiderweb of this dysfunction…. its fucking wild and creates a ton of self doubt coupled with a self defense (not a great combo for a soul) What started as fantasy land for me a year ago has turned into one of the most mental anguish I have ever incurred…. I sit at 40… I have 4 children I have virtually raised on my own… Got married young (17) to a HS sweetheart turned abuser… after leaving a severe DV relation w 3 children went thru a turbulent time… ended up in a comfort zone of another HS Bf who was a severe alcoholic but an opposite personality to my abusive exhusband… We have a child together and decided I could not deal w the drinking for her safety…. I think I may have the Wendy complex as I am a caretaker of all things… I actually love responsibility and leadership soooooo when I met back up w my first love and lost my sexual innocence to I thought I had finally found my soulmate…. He was going thru the end part of a bitter divorce from his wife of 18ish years… Had 3 children and was working as a counselor in our hometown HS w our local teens for drug prevention…. We immediately had a commonality as my children were at the age of experimentation … I suffered from guilt as to the male influences I had exposed them to… I had overcompensated with all my children out of guilt and being a single parent knowing children needed the OTHER parent but due to my LOSER MAGNET as I called it they suffered greatly from the abandonment of the men I had chose… Initially w his master degree in GUIDANCE and his work w troubled youth I overlooked some really HUGE red flags…. He was living in his MOTHERS home… He said as a result of the divorce and losing the common home and his JOB brought him to a place to return to his parents and start over in his home town …. He was very sad about losing his wife who had betrayed him w an ongoing affair for a year until finally leaving him for the OTHER man… taking everything including children to raise w her new lover…. I do remember asking him…. What kind of a void did you leave in her to make her open for another man to sweep her off her feet (she didnt seem to be a run around sue and the fact she nested w the other man showed me she didnt have commitment issues either) In the end I felt pity for him losing everything and continued our relations… Which were quite intimate and romantic… I felt as tho I had truly found a partner who could psychologically stimulate me (unlike my very poor choice in previous partners who did more labor work vs administrative desk work) His parents (divorced and remarried to other ppl so 2 separate families and homes) were both out of town for the winter … Months went by and we grew closer had a very tender relationship and really opened up and spent long nights talking … a lot of time w our local youth during day and eve times…. I just couldnt believe we had again found each other and dreamed of being a power couple to help our local youth… maybe open a resource center for our small town in order to educate and give our small town much needed… THEN BOOM! The parents returned from winter vacas and our relationship changed…. LITERALLY overnite… Unbeknownst to me his parents where completely against his dating me… They demanded he end his relation w me… He had invited me to a wedding and had told me he couldnt wait to introduce me to his family … All of a sudden he became very avoidant and I could feel his tension… He revealed his FATHER had forbid him from taking me to the wedding…. and out of pity for his awkward position and not wanting to split between him and his fam I allowed him to rescind the invite… at the time he was living at his mothers and he just suddenly stopped coming to my home during and decent hours… he spent breakfast lunch dinner w mommi and then stayed w her until she and her husband went to bed… at which time he would sneak over to my house and cont our closet relation that his parents forbid… He lost his job and used the excuse of being financially dependent on his parents… even despite the fact I have a great job… have a house …cars… I take care of my children as a single parent he could NOT stand up for me against his parents judgements (which were filled w lies rumors and gossip that his mother had actually pretty much made up and used bc of her very manipulative and sneaky personality that like to control other ppl to do her dirty work) I didnt know these ppl… I was completely hurt and pitied him bc of the way they formed a bully stand around me and our involvement… His turning me into a mistress was my first gut instict… I felt I was sneaking around w a married man… but it was his parents… He was constantly critisizing me about my fb that his parents stalked… 1 picture or post could be used against me for months of being outcasted… his MOTHER was always the ONE to make note of it… he was constantly reprimanding me according to their skewed and very inaccurate perceptions and how I could hurt his IMAGE… The father came around and allowed us to sit and talk face to face after about 7 months… I felt good about the opportunity and then realized as every word we discussed and the empty apology for bad behavior and judgement went out the window w all action afterwards… The true source of the chaos and bs was out there like a sore thumb and he called her MOM… As soon as she was revealed he automatically went into a tail spin and wanted to pretend like NOTHING happened…. She was NEVER going to accept me … He needed her and he felt betrayal for having feeling for me even tho he knew she was NOT right… SO THEY made a pact to continue their relation as tho I didnt exist… And she is very demanding of his time… I was NOT allowed to be in or around her home and he was NOT to talk of me to her EVER… I was the dirty secret swept under the rug of the MOTHER he glorified and loved more than any other human (including his children) … This has been baffling to say the least… And the fact he CAN NOT …WILL NOT ever put me in a role of a significant other bc he already has a mother that requires his devotion like a husband and is able to demand my being insignificant under the clause of LOVE THY MOTHER and FATHER…. has just sent me for a mentally cruel and painful journey and leaves me feeling worthless and small…. due to the very unbalanced and toxic relationship he has w his parents …especially controlling self made helpless victim Mom …. who he now looks the same as her to me… they have an unbreakable codependent bond that leaves NO ROOM for any type of romantic loving relation…. I need this book bc I have found HOPE in getting answers to this very confusing debacle I invested mind body heart and spirit into… AND he just smiles and doesnt care at all …. Feels its normal for a 44 yr old man to crave the complete dependency of a 5 yr old child on his over coddling and overbearing parents…. I totally get why the exwife found another MAN…. she outgrew her manchild and finally gave him back to the rightful owners… who are not giving him up again… to anyone… and I feel concerned for his very clear regression mentally and fear what he will do w this very detached bias ego stroking influence of parents who will pay his bills… not hold him accountable… keep him from any social interactions w ppl his own age… not allow him to date… and control him into happy submission… he has NO friends and only invest in being passed from his parents everyday like a 5 yr old having visitation and feels like he is the glue that holds his parents together…. sad part… he actually treats his youngest child much like his mother treats him… she is the favored and his affection towards her (even publicly) is creepy to the point he sees nothing wrong w tenderly groping her inappropriately YET if I even try to hug him in public he turns stone cold and reprimands me for any PDA that adults should NOT be affectionate in public…. BUT you can kiss your 11 yrs neck and rub her back …hug her whisper and hold hands???? When we go out for a family dinner you choose to sit next to your daughter where you cant stop rubbing her back and legs laughing and playing w her as tho nobody else like 10 ppl are sitting in the restuaraunt at the table w you??? Including me??? And say you are afraid to show me affection in front of the children bc you dont want them to think you replaced their mother??? HI she lives and raises them w the man she chose over you??? And the son has no voice is NEVER coddled just invisible …like me… WTF… I get sick to think back over some of the things that truly didnt match up…. HELP!!!!

    • WHEW!! I don’t mind telling you that I stopped reading halfway thru LOL LOL but I am soooo glad that you let all that OUT! Go GIRL! It’s like popping a zit, right? Technically, the pus is not caustic but omg it affects EVERYTHING. On the surface it’s unsightly, makes you feel ugly & insecure like everyone is staring at you, at THAT; it hurts, feels like there’s a marble mace under your skin; of course you bump it with every single stupid movement; and yes, if it gets infected it will leave a scar. And you can take each description I laid out and apply it as an analogy to pps relationships.

      Couplea flags I experienced:
      He had a chiropractic practice, I told him to put toilet-paper on the shopping list, he said “My mom will get that.” (wtf)
      After awhile, I realized every “intimate talk” followed a pattern — I would need to talk about something, then he’d top my something with a “confession/admission”. It wasn’t a mutual showing of card, it was a necessary tactic to bring the attention back to him.
      His admitting that he didn’t know how to do something was so bright-eyed and refreshing. He seemed so humble and so interested in your telling him, you actually felt pumped,… flattered, to teach him. AT FIRST. By the 2,000th time, it was just fucking OLD and you felt played. Like a broken record. It takes two, the player is only one half.
      Not sure why, but some of the unconscionable ideas he came up with made ME feel dirty. He ran a yearly collection of coats for charity donation and upon finding a nice leather one, he actually suggested he keep it. (Talk about the feeling of ick… I knew in my BONES that was flipping a middle finger at karma, why didn’t he???)
      The way he expressed some concerns with such CONCERN. The admin in his office couldn’t seem to keep the books balanced and he seemed so,… hesitant, to tell me the problem he was experiencing with her. He cataloged some of her transgressions and seemed so,… reluctant, to bad-mouth her. But what did I do? Step up to the plate, take the bull by the horns and lay out the gameplan to fire her ass. Imagine my surprise when months later HIS inability to keep checks from bouncing or keep the office running smoothly became evidence for WHO the real culprit was. I could dwell on my being party to such an awful fate for that girl, but most likely I enacted the best severing of a cord that could ever happen for her.

      I could drawl on forever, but frankly it’s dull to me now. That relationship was a long time ago and I know the more I bitch about any of it, only spotlights MY issues (to not forgive, to not grow past things, to not learn…) The details, are not the point. The feelings are. The relating is. The repeating pattern with the same man with a different face. Then — that’s about me. What’s important to me now, is being a person who is capable of intimacy — of developing REAL relationships — of reciprocity — of being aware and AWAKE, for whom I choose to align myself with. It’s not about over-analyzing PPS or peterpans, it’s about my adopting Wendy or Tinkerbell reactions and what I’m gonna do about THAT.

      TWO THINGS
      Read Celestine Prophecy. It’s a true story written as a fantasy that explains 4-main energy dynamics; POOR-ME, ALOOF, INTIMIDATOR, INTEROGATOR. Understanding these conditions while you are centered, so you can understand them when faced with a skewed person and why you unwittingly succumb to reverting to doing/saying crap that even as it comes out of your mouth, you’re thinking wtf.

      We have exchanges with everyone. Whether it’s superficial, fleeting, violent, fireworks, or a slow burning ember over many many years — we have something to learn. About them, about ourselves. I have a wonderful friend who has taught me more about being real in my life than ANYONE. He did it by BEING real. And whenever I would screw things up, and try to apol0gize or make amends, he’d say one sentence that changed my life… “I already made up my mind about you.” At first I didn’t understand what that meant and asked. He’d just repeat the same sentence back. I’d just shake my head. After a few years of knowing him, trusting him, trusting his heart — I now know what it means to him and to me. That he accepted me for me and nothing else mattered. Even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes because it confronts me with how difficult accepting me for me is for ME!! (I hope you got that lol) And I’m not saying accept dysfunction as your fate and resign yourself it to. I mean, God wants us to be happy. And to trust others and trust ourselves. We must listen to warning bells in our gut. We must ignore our stupid heads that think protecting us from getting hurt means keeping us safe. We must hug this small sense of grace inside ourselves, to have compassion for someone with dysfunction (cuz we’re one step away, yanno?) That doesn’t mean we have to date them because we feel sorry for them and all they need is a strong woman to take care of them. It doesn’t mean we have to be doormats to ANYONE, who goes against the grain of what resonates as truth within us. But people,… we are people, and they are people, and regardless of how messed up ANYONE is, WE are,… a kind word and love, goes a long way.

      Forgive yourself and send some love your OWN way woman. I hear a fellow writer in you, let that catharsis work to your advantage. But mostly, cry. Cry for the little girl inside of you who got carried along on the same path you walked. Hug her, comfort her, tell her you’re sorry for losing sight of taking care of you both and keeping your worth a priority. Promise HER, that you will embark on some self-discovery to define and regain that self-worth because you ARE worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY. You are worthy to have a full life, a fulfilling life. I appreciate this forum for all of us to have a safe place to vent. Now,… lets get on with it.

  9. Deanna says:

    WOW! I came to this site by accident looking up information on PPS. I am 45 and divorced from a verbally abusive marriage. He may have had PPS, but more likely something worse, but mostly he was/is an a$$. Last year I meet my PP and we dated very seriously for 3 months until my ex showed his butt in public. My PP is a recovering addict and has been clean for 7 yrs and with his addiction came brushes with the law, all of which are behind him now. He has a very stable job and by all accounts is a “normal” function member of society now. But emotionally he is stuck at about 17. But at the time we broke up because in his words, “I can risk my sobriety, my freedom, or my family, and the way he treats you bothers me to a point where those are at risk.” As much as I hated that, I understood. We stayed friends. Within 2 weeks he had replaced me and that relationship lasted about 6 months. We stayed very close as we surf and hangout together, when she wasn’t around. During that time I went through treatment for stage 1 ovarian cancer, caught it that early by sheer luck!! We stayed very close friends. But he never asked me how I was feeling, in fact one night he gave me grief for taking a nap while I was in the middle of a course of low dose chemo. I did find out the other day that he would talk about it, but not with me…the other girl he was dating. When he would be having problems with her, his contact with me would increase. When they finally broke up at the end of the summer, he started dating again and would tell me all about the new girls. But if I talked about someone that I was seeing he would get very snarky. It’s ok for him to date, but not me.? About Thanksgiving time our relationship went to a FWB type of relationship, but maybe a bit more. He refers to me as his #1. He makes a point to tell me he calls me first, or that he spent more $$ on me at Christmas. (I personally don’t care how much he spent on me…the fact that he bought me something that was very relevant meant more than anything) He told me last night that when he was talking to his mom (go figure a momma’s boy) and aunt about me he said I was and always will be his #1. I hold a special place in his heart…the only part that still beats. We have no commitment to be exclusive and I know if I push that he will walk. And in all honesty I am not sure I want a full blown relationship at this point. I am still kind of growing and healing from my past. But the roller coaster ride is killing me. I feel very much like using the line from when Harry Met Sally, “I can’t do this anymore, I’m not your consolation prize.” But I know if I do he will be gone. Let’s face it, life’s not a romantic comedy…. One friend said to stop the sex another friend said make him chase me. He already does….he always calls first and asks me out …. And he will come back, I’m pretty sure that won’t work. I have fallen in love with Peter Pan and it sucks. We are so good together, but at some point I am going to want him to step up and I don’t think he is capable. AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!

  10. I have ordered the books, and hoping they will help. My father was a Peter Pan, as was my first husband of 14.5 years, and the second (jumped out of that one within 6 months) and now I find that I have married 3 in a row. Only this time, we have been together 12 years and married 10.

    I see the classic behaviors, I know what I am dealing with. I am going to make an effort to figure out how to continue living with him- if at all possible, without losing my own self, or mind. I live in the state of being prepared for when he leaves, always moving forward in that direction, so that when he does leave, it will be as simple as possible. I don’t think he can keep a relationship going much longer….or is it ME? who is making it last? His first marriage lasted 18 years, but much of that, he was away, in the Navy, and away from family responsibilities and child rearing.

    We purchased my family homestead, so….it will have to be Peter who leaves, but the stress of all the responsibilities of leaving make him hesitate, let’s face it, it’s a hassle to separate and go your own way, a REALLY big hassle. Probably big enough so that it makes Peter at least want to get along in his current relationship for now.

    His life isn’t hard, he has SO many things to be grateful for that he takes for granted, unless he’s drinking, he’s more thankful then, LOL. His laziness to make any big move on his own, is a deterrent as well. I don’t know if I can introduce PPS to him and have him being willing to acknowledge it, he may acknowledge it and use it as an excuse to move on.

    I thought after 20 years in the Navy, he held the qualities of someone who could stick with things….don’t be fooled be that. My 1st Peter did the same thing, retire after 20 years.
    It seems Military service allows the Peters of the world to move and change jobs frequently enough for them to thrive. Lesson learned…next?

    • Mary Kay says:

      Many “Peters” are work-aholics. They hang their hat on it – look at me, I’m not lazy I work real hard. Yea- you work. So do billions of other people who also pay their bills, go shopping, take care of the kids and themselves, while eeking out a little time for their spouses. My “Peter” worked, drank and watched TV…and that’s all folks. For 58 years and counting he never bought clothes, shoes, shampoo or socks – now he’s back at Mom’s keeping her busy.

  11. mkp says:

    Leave him now. Your kids do not need to think your dysfunctional relationship is “normal”. Your kids need to learn responsibility – he will not teach them responsibility. My one regret? Not leaving my ‘peter’ sooner – for my son’s sake.

  12. Peter H says:

    I am a victim of the PPS – I am 71 years old and find myself in my third marriage – fifth long term relationship, if you count two long time relationships living together in between those marriages. My new wife is 32. I am well aware of my problem and have been trying to cure myself of it – a very difficult task. Many years ago, I once consulted a therapist but I had the impression she didn’t know what to do with me and didn’t take the PPS serious. I handed her the book by Dan Kiley but she refused to read it.

    I believe that I subconsciously picked up the PPS from my father who was a real mama’s boy and never grew up, because I wasn’t close to my mother at all. Of course , as a child I wasn’t aware of this and it took me a long time to see my father the way he was.

    Anyway, I have come a long way in treating myself so now it’s more like a set of bad habits that don’t want to go away. I sometimes tend to indulge in self-pity and sometimes still have difficulty feeling empathy with others. I don’t take enough action where I should – simply because I often don’t know what to do. I tell stories about my numerous conquests and other crazy exploits that I remember very well but in other areas I suffer from amnesia – not pretended but real amnesia, being unable to recall simple events even. (No, I don’t have Alzheimers – this has been a lifelong problem.) I also suffer from face-blindness, the inability to recognize friends and familiar people in unfamiliar settings. In my second marriage, I once met my wife with one of her friends on the street and failed to recognize her.

    So, I am well aware of my condition and I keep working on myself and I am getting better – much better. I really love my young wife and I am totally faithful – something I wasn’t at all in any of my previous relationships. A new experience indeed. I believe that I have cured my bouts of self-pity as well but I am still working on my lack of action. I am multi-talented (I’m not boasting here.) but have the tendency to spread myself too thin and take on too many different projects at the same time.(art, photography, music, writing, design) The result is that none of these projects give me the fulfillment nor the money I want – so focus is a big issue with me.This is the last step I feel – focusing on one project >> taking action >> makIng money and becoming mature in the process.

    So what is my point here? I am convinced that it is possible to cure PPS and to cure yourself if you are serious about it. Sure, I am 71 so it has taken me all my life. I feel that if I had had help and therapy, it wouldn’t have taken so long. So the first step is to sit down with your man who suffers from PPS and have a serious conversation, not letting him off the hook and make him commit to therapy.
    If he doesn’t want to commit to therapy, ladies, get out of the relationship and save yourself a lot of pain.

    • Wow wow WOW!! Huge GARGANTUAN kudos to you sir, for your courage in sharing your story. Love IT. Hey, it’s hard for anyone attempting to change and/or acquire accountability or empathy — a PPs AND non-PPs. I constantly remind myself, “no one likes to be confronted with their own inadequacies.” Yet, one of my other favorite sayings is, “the key to technology is dissatisfaction.” Cars wouldn’t have been invented if horses were good enough, lightbulbs wouldn’t’ve if candles were, typewriter->writing letters longhand, computers->typewriter. One has to think something needs a’fixin’ in order to try fixing it. But seeing the things in ourselves that need fixing puts us in a real fix. (Hahaha whoa, watch out for that spewing writing talent lol.) So for a PP, or any human — they gotta own up to the ickky eureka that they actually have something to do with cause and effect. Or that age-old platitude “howz that workin’ for ya?” Their finally at that point when they realize that doing what he’s doing or being who he’s being is messing with his life. The bottom of the barrel is different for everyone. 71 aint nuthin’ man! It’s like the guy who decided to become a doctor at 50 and responding to comments about how old he’d be by the time he completed this school, and that school, and regular school then medical school — omg it would take like 10 years! His retort was if he didn’t go to medical school, how old did they think he’d be in 10 years anyways?
      Someday someone is going to start a PPS support group. Maybe when you’re 72, that’ll be you HAHA!

  13. shonnie says:

    I’m so at that point. I’m about ready to face criminal c here’s because I loved a uperson like this soo much! Every turn he did me wrong a person in disguise. He had everybody thinking I’m violent and crazy unyil they see the evil side. He is ma I pula give to the point of discussing. See no problem mugiple additions also

  14. Richard Ramos says:

    Plz help me. I’m am 25 and my ex gf recently figure this out about me. I always joked about how I suffered from pps but never knew it was an actual condition. My life is in shambles. I do emotionlessly move on. Looking to younger girls for the express feeling of youth and freedom of responsibility and inability to take responsibility for my relationship. I want help. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to live happy. I’m at my wits end and can at least realize it’s a problem. I exhibit all of the signs. If anyone knows what to do. Plz plz help me. I feel like there is no use to my life if I can’t make the people around me happy. Plz help me!!

  15. Mary Kay says:

    I was married to Peter for 23 years. We have a son. Initially, I wasn’t sure what was going on, after a few years I ‘fell’ into my Wendy role out of embarrassment. Who behaves this way in their 30’s…after 12 years I desperately tried marriage counseling and went cold turkey on all my “Wendy-isms”. I was briefly happy (I didn’t want to be Wendy and felt duped) but Peter was PISSED. Our life and marriage got loud, ugly and lonely. Finally, when my son was 18 years old and I was expecting and seeing more responsibility from him than his father, I went alone to counseling and filed for divorce.

    I have hope for my son. It’s hard sometimes because my beautiful boy is angry, choosing drugs and irresponsibility since our divorce. His primary male role model never grew up and women are bitches for all he knows…I’m not Wendy. I never was Wendy but I married a Peter and eventually, out of necessity became her.

    Be careful ladies. Give it a chance BUT remember – you can leave, he can grow up and come back to you. He will never grow up after you (both) realize “…for God’s sake – it’s just easier for me to do it for him…”

  16. Rose says:

    I have been married to a PPS man for 32 years, and I have been his Wendy. Our marriage is ending. He was an only child with controlling parents that used him as a substitution for a spouse. It feels like being a hamster in a wheel, constantly making excuses for him, blaming myself, always hoping he will grow up. He seems so personable, and fun loving, the hit of the party. I often would feel like something was wrong with me for not thriving in our marriage. These type of men are spin masters, after every argument which is usually based on their immature behaviour, you actually believe that maybe it is your fault as well. They never take responsibility for their actions, and are all lip service. Signs that he suffers from PPS: when he enters a social setting, he wants all eyes on him, has a silly grin and laugh, must be the center of the conversation as soon as he enters room. Is obsessed with his “toys”, cars, boats, etc. He is the complete opposite of a “family man”. It is always about him! I survived because I focused in on the kids. When the kids left, it became intolerable, and I began to digress emotionally and physically.

  17. Luna says:

    You’ve just described my ex. The bit about the sexual dysfunction it’s uncanny. I think it’s very good to share this experiences because it gives you reassurance that you were not imagining things. It’s a good way to regain sanity. However, I think it’s best to move on and leave them to it. They are stuck, don’t get stuck with him.

  18. Nichel Dunlap says:

    OMG…… This is SO SCARY… I am a 34 year old woman and I am living with my boyfriend of 47 soon to be July. All of his friends said he was Peter Pan but I refused to believe it. Then one day a young lady, mutual friend of ours said it and I researched it for myself. He fits the description almost to A PERFECT FIT.. It’s scary.. Everything just about everything listed he does… Different personality while drinking, flinches back if I touch his private, runs to his friends, no regard for my feelings, selfish, runs to a party been the great party host for years. When I moved in it was a battle between me and his friends to keep them away. Still is just not as big of a battle . His mom, dad, grandma and granddad are all dead. He didn’t have a good relationship with his mom and she was diagnosed with bipolar ism. He says often I remind him of his mom. His grandparents spoiled him immensely. We live in the house he grew up in that was willed to him. He owned several properties graduated from college with an economics degree and was well off. Worked at banking institution for 14 years until he was let go. He is down in his luck and because of the love I had for him I moved in an helped him out. We been together almost 2 years and I’m so unhappy. He calls me bitches and motherfuckas when he is drinking and the friends are all in our business and he allows them to influence him but he claims we spending the rest of our lives together. Now when the friends aren’t around we do okay outside of his mood swings.. He rarely does anything for me he just started taking me out to lunch and sorts. He doesn’t offer me has money doesn’t do what a man does for a woman and when I say something he says he ain’t built like that. We have the same birth mark on the same spot if our bodies in the shape of a heart. We complete each other sentences and thoughts. When I pray and ask God what to do he never shows me leaving is the solution he always says pray. I am so very tired but financially because of the monies I have him I feel and I am sort of in a standstill. I could go on how when we out at a social gathering he takes the floor by talking loud wanting everybody to follow his lead and we can be hosting a party he gets up and goes to sleep in the middle of the party. OMG this is scary and one of his closest friends say I been looking after him for 25 years now I’m glad somebody else go do it.. Now I see what they were talking bout.. He won’t change will he. I won’t be satisfied or fulfilled by him as a man in a relationship with a woman will I? I do love him and I do feel I was put here to watch over him because those friends were running his house wicked. It literally was the hoe house and the frat house they called it. So all the so called friends dislike me and he says nothing. I need some advice I am aware he probably won’t change but I believe anybody can change if they choose. Since I’ve been here he has gotten better. He may never be cured but I want and need help to making progress. He is a good dude aside from his Petet Pan syndrome please help signed,
    Wendy

  19. Ana says:

    I encountered someone on the internet… by accident… we never met face to face… I thought we hit it off… we became friends … but I later found out in his mind was something else… he was expressing his feelings through songs… and at first I didn’t notice… but he gradually started to open up to me… by force… I fell in love with him … and he panicked… that was the first wake-up call… because didn’t want to take any responsability… then he wanted to be friends again… so I accepted… but I got disgusted by his response to sexuality… he was really honest and shared with me ideas like “We women don’t understand men” (anyway that’s part of the syndrome) and movies he watched and I snapped and told him through songs that I am ashamed of what he is and if it makes him happy he can do whatever he wants… Not sure how this whole situation will turn out… but I studyied psychology for a while and now that I know about this syndrome I think I can handle it….

    …but I believe the syndrome can be cured… I actually didn’t know about this syndrome until today… and I must say that the person I’m talking about started showing slow improvements …

    and also … the person needs treatment… cause there is treatment. It’s a lifelong visit to the psychologist (but also intelligence… without it the patient might be stuck with this syndrome forever… )

    …and his love partner can help as well… by interfering with the relation parent-child… cause that’s one of the reasons the patient can’t be cured… overprotecting parents…and his need to cling on them.

    …and LASTLY which should be FIRST actually… it’s STRENGTH … you need to be strong… seek for professional good advice cause that will be a real good help.(I recommend getting in touch with a recommended psychologist… if the psychologist isn’t doing a good job… the patient might end in a worse state).

  20. Olivia says:

    I’ve never read the book by Dan Kiley, but I now intend to. I have been in a relationship with a PPS-man for almost 5 years. At first, he was incredibly endearing. He became attached to me very quickly, almost too quickly. He was blown away by me. I was more cynical at the time, but little by little he won me over, and a few months later we moved in together… or, should I say, I moved to his place, and his place was the apartment his mom had bought for him (yeah, I didn’t see that as a problem at the time). The following year, he got transferred to a different city and I followed him there (Wendy syndrome?). He was working and paying all the bills (for the first time in his life, at 30), and I was studying. It was fun, until I realized his mom had access to his bank data and was topping up his account when she figured he didn’t have enough money. The following year he quit his job there (too difficult to do, too much responsibility, he was constantly unhappy). I supported him through this, as he really managed to make me believe that the job was the problem. And I can’t stand seeing people suffer. We moved back to the apartment his mom got him, in the city where we first met, and he tried to do all sorts of activities: he studied for a year (meanwhile his mom was supporting him financially), he tried to translate a book, to write a book, to learn Russian, to compose music. I decided to open my company, and his mom even helped finance it for a while at the beginning. I paid her back, and worked and worked, and although my situation isn’t perfect, I’m at a place where I can support myself (and possibly the two of us). But here’s the snag.
    Over the course of these past couple of years, my eyes have been opened. I have come to view his relationship with his mother as one of cold-proximity. She’s extremely controlling and judgmental of his decisions, so much so that he’s now almost 33 and only ever works very short-term non-committal contracts. His fear of commitment extends to his relationship with me, and he has short outbursts of anger every few months during which he accuses me of wanting too much from him at a time when he’s in a tough professional situation.
    Last month, I became pregnant. It was an accident. I was 5 weeks along, and for the whole of that time, he was great. He was kind and caring – in a sense, life had chosen for him (making decisions is something he finds incredibly difficult). Then, I miscarried. I was devastated. He was aloofly supportive for a few days, and then he lashed out at me: “why are you feeling low?!!”, “it’s a good thing we didn’t have this kid!” “It would have obliged me to find a secure job!” “And you know what, I don’t get out enough!” “I don’t see my friends enough!” “You just want to manipulate me into having a child so that I will marry you! (did I mention that a few months ago he proposed to me in the most romantic place, then backtracked a few days later telling me it was a token of ‘love’ and not of ‘marriage’?”)”, “and I’m sick of you telling me my mom is too intrusive in our relationship!”.
    Needless to say, this has sparked my fuse. I’m done. This Wendy is no longer a Wendy.

  21. Gwendolyn Darling says:

    Every time I end up researching his symptoms…and the cause. These men have a mistrust for women, had a controlling mother and the father was absent or unavailable. He’s not hard to figure out. Added to his mess, he’s an Aspie so we have double the lack of empathy. What I tend to do is to try and figure out what my problem is. Why am I a Wendy? Forget about them. These PPS men aren’t deep or multidimensional. Their upbringing tells the tale. Focus on yourself and why you seek these unavailable men. They’re always waiting for something better to come along. You can spot this behavior in the way they view their electronics and cars. Buyer’s remorse when he considers if he got the right model car. Upgrading laptops and various other toys, always looking for better. Waiting to purchase that iphone because they might release a better version next year. The addiction to porn for always waiting for the depraved, sickest video chat whore. Blaming his problems on everyone else. I’ve also never committed because I hope one day I’ll break my Wendy ways, when I’m a better judge of character and sober and you’ve guessed it…waiting for better to come along.

  22. goku says:

    Hi. I believe I do suffer from Peter pan syndrome. I am 27, but since most of my age friends are married or have kids. I still enjoy playing videogames, playing hide and seek at walmart, watch cartoons among other things. Instead of going clubbing I hang out with high school aged friends. I wear kids size shirts with cartoon designs. I understand that I have to change certain things but don’t know where or how to start.

  23. Jen says:

    Hi all, am dealing with the on and off and indecisiveness of a PPS “boy” right now yet he’s 45. We met 2 years ago. We fell quickly. Broke up a month in. Got back together. Broke up a month later saying I needed too much from him (all I wanted was TIME with him). Then we did FWB for a while. Months later, he tells me he loves me. We commit to each other. But, it was a battle of getting him to follow through on his word. One month, he would refer to my daughter (not in front of her) as his future step daughter, the next month he would say he wasn’t sure he wanted to have a future with me because she’s 4 years younger than his youngest. One month, he talked about moving in, the next month he wasn’t sure where he was going to live when his alimony was cut off. There was no follow through. Yet, the carrot was constantly dangled (and still is). I broke it off. He still comes around. Everything was inaction. Yet, here I am still wondering if he will come through ONE DAY when his life settles down. There are so many different versions of him. He’s a different person on weekdays, weekends, and vacations. He can’t handle everyday life because his soon to be ex wife (separated for 3 1/2 years) didn’t make him work full time. He was a dependent. And now that’s he’s had to work a career for the first time in 15 years, he can’t deal with the other obligations in his life. will he ever come through for me?!!! Probably not. Yet, I am struggling and wondering “is this a timing issue”?!

  24. Stunnedat49 says:

    Stunnedat49: Correction: my husband lost 10 jobs, not times. RE last post

    • Big YARGH! All of that sounds like a lot to take, sorry you’re going through that bullshit quagmire!! I think addiction would still fall under a juvenile idea of sex with regard to him having it with others. When someone/something is in the honeymoon phase, there are no flaws or faults and everything is glorious and exciting. Commitment-phobes center around a constantly fresh market, so that real intimacy or vulnerability can’t have a chance to take root. Cntrl/alt/delete, don’t like how the game is going, simply restart it. And if he also turns that addiction toward you, it could also be an immature/unrealistic expectation if the timing is inappropriate, the place is inconvenient, or he’s dictating/ordering the occurrence. I call it the penthouse fantasy world — many men actually think, if ONLY he were in the right position (no pun intended) that aaaallllll those women would want to fuk’im. Riiiiight. Also, their perception of new relations (like a long-distance relationship) means sending in their “representative”. That pod-person always on their best behavior, who doesn’t have any problems, displays only “positivity”, and thoroughly lives life to the fullest and is soooooo FUN. Translation, no one gets their period, there are no bills to worry about, and where he isn’t the “bad guy”. He has a completely clean slate and can make up any persona he wants to present. That puts you in the “mother wendy” role, eh? You get to stay at home, take care of reality and buy toilet-paper. Mom’s are necessary to take care of the boring, ugly things — so the kid can run around and play carefree frat-boy. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have so much conscience or morals HAHAHA — life would be completely different, meaning GOOD, right? Right?…

  25. Stunnedat49 says:

    I have been on a whirlwind tour of Peter Pan Unlimited. 49 married years to be exact. Three weeks ago I found out about my husband’s other life and am shocked and devastated. He had at least 7+ women over 31 years of our marriage. Over the years I had asked him to go to marriage counsling which he refused. He was very difficult to get along with but I was so busy raising kids and working I didn’t take the time to really think about things. BIG MISTAKE. He is very clever in backing me into a corner, of course, nothing is ever his fault. He has lost 10 times over the years and they were all his bosses fault. Very much a narcissist and everything you said about about your Peter Pan is true of mine except for one thing: sex. My husband is an addict. Ironically the only thing that kept me with him was I thought he was loyal. I have been through private hell in the last three weeks and don’t suppose the future will be much better. On top of everything he has Parkinson’s Disease but his doctor had him take a syphilis test because tertiary syphilis has the same symptoms as Parkinson’s. My husband also informed me that he never used protection. When I ask him why he says “I don’t know.” I plan on divorcing him and having some fun for the first time in a long time. Please check up on your husband even if you think he is faithful. Noone suspected my husband but look where I am. Signed Hurt and Lonely.

  26. Peter says:

    Ok. Me and my GF of almost 3 years just broke up. I realize I have PPS bad. I feel horrible. Anyone know what a guy can do if he has no insurance and PPS? I’m going to go buy that book today, do you think it can help me recover? I really don’t want to go through life like this. I appreciate any thoughts.

    • I don’t know how much difference insurance would make, even if you had it, it might be hard pressed to find a therapist specializing in PPS (the same as I couldn’t find anything on the web.) I hope you bought the book, and took the quiz in the back. I think you’re WAY on the road to recovering just because you realize something about yourself that’s hard to face, congrats. When I first started getting therapy for an eating disorder, I thought it was going to be about food. Boy is it SO not. It was about relationships and most importantly, the relationship with myself. Ignorance is bliss, so when you get a little bit of enlightenment the shit’s going to hit the fan yo. So you have to take it easy on yourself.

  27. hurting says:

    so I just stumbled across this whole “Peter Pan” thing…and it’s my husband! It’s awful being married to him. I feel so lonely and unwanted and I cry myself to sleep and all but beg him to love me and he just doesn’t get it! We’ve been married 7 years and have 3 beautiful kids,we’re 29. I will not leave him for the sake of the kids,so what I want to know is, can these men be fixed? We’re currently going for counseling and he’s on an antidepressant and that seems to be helping but in a way it seems like a cruel joke, giving me hope but I know I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.He won’t ever be a man,not a normal one. But is there hope? can they be helped?

    • Dear Hurting,
      I’m going to address (dissect lol) the last 4 sentences of your paragraph,…
      1. ) “We’re currently going for counseling and he’s on an antidepressant and that seems to be helping but in a way it seems like a cruel joke, giving me hope but I know I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.”
      #1 answer: Adult diabetes, color blindness, a limb(s) gone, spinal cord severed, pps — are all conditions that will need to be dealt with for a lifetime. YOUR dealing with it, is a choice,…or rather a choice of perception. Similar to the “if you won a million dollars, what would you do?” game, I’m presupposing that many couples contemplate, “what if my mate ended up in a wheelchair and couldn’t have sex?” — we’d all like to think we’d be big/good enough to do the right thing. I commend those who KNOW, I am with this person because of their spirit/soul, mind, humor, attitude, integrity,… basically, character. (personality is something to date, character is what you marry.) My opinion, the main thing you need to deal with, is you. The main thing for him to deal with, is him. (But it’s okay to wishful-think, “oh, hale no, the main thing he needs to deal with, is ME.” ) A lot of people do not realize that (for instance) when an alcoholic (addict) decides to recover/change, the family needs to also. They will have to. They’ve been affected (infected? LOL), participated, maybe colluded or enabled — most likely have resentments built-up, forgiveness drained, love feels non-existent, they feel invisible — but in the very least, if they never receive treatment, the likely scenario is that they will continue the cycle (infect) their future, or future family (even if they never take a drink/use.) It’s just the way it is. A person controlled by a domineering parent will make a vow to never be controlled again, and the only way to do that is to be the controller. Over-regimented/strict parent will make the child want to be wild. Non-affectionate parent will make a child who seeks physicality, attention, which may result in promiscuous behavior. These (and a billion trillion more) are all PROBABILITIES of psychological repercussions associated with psychological conditions. The exact same as probabilities in nature — if you plant one tree in the shade and one in the sun, most likely they will grow differently. If you put a plant outside, or one inside in a closet, they’re probably going to be different shades of green. If you put a concrete block on grass, the stalks underneath will not be the same as those which are not. So, sticking with a physical example, say your mate became blind. To say it’s his problem to deal with, would be a humongous understatement — you & your entire home, household,… hell, frikkin’ LIFE — will be affected. And you will probably need to take some classes on “how to live with a blind man”, right? Codependents Anonymous, Emotions Anonymous, Al-Anon, any support groups for addictions are very good to HEAR how others handle living with a person trying to recover. All you have to do, is substitute their substance with your pps partner. People who grow up in families revolving around one member of the family usually have difficulty with their identity/role outside of that environment. I’m talking — a clinically insane or emotionally disturbed parent, a depressed parent, a chronically ill parent/child, religious zealot, foreigner, gambler, caretaker,… and many more.
      #1 answer: Get some support for YOU, so that you can deal with things (and thereby also help your kids too.)
      #1 answer: Anti-depressants might help with depression. If that’s what he’s suffering from. But my understanding is there has to be 5 puzzle-pieces to make a PP: anxiety, irresponsibility, loneliness, sex role conflict, narcissism, and chauvinism. (Meaning when these manifest together, the chemical equation of becoming a PP bomb is high. I’d guess childhood is the optimal time.)
      #1 answer: I’m all for couples-therapy. HOWEVER, I believe it is a good idea to also receive individual sessions. When two people are in the same room, one might not feel free to scream, “I hate you, you sonuvabitch, you’ve ruined my life, you’ve ruined ME!!!” You’know,… as an uh, example. I think the therapist could help more if he got both sides of the story separately — to better suss out any inconsistencies.
      #1 answer: I’m all for counseling. Specifically if the specific problem is addressed. Just general communication/churchy/basic marriage stuff won’t be enough. It’s simply not a matter of being kinder to each other, or respecting, or responsible, or being a better person, or growing up, or trying HARDER. Cough-syrup aint going to help anthrax poisoning. Cough-syrup in a gold spoon aint gonna help either. Guess what use cough-syrup in a big DIAMOND spoon is going to be… Plus, an integral step in the entire process is that the PP has to want to change. Period. Which means they have to learn what accountability IS,… they have to grow empathy,… they have to grasp that PPS isn’t something where you determine his changes — but that it’s actually a formula dictated by certain aligning conditions. PPs often agree to your face, but later when they’re alone they convince themselves that they shouldn’t be ruled by you, and forget it, they’re FINE, just the way they are. In the PPS book, there is a chapter on one man who acknowledges he is a PP and is trying to change.
      2.) “He won’t ever be a man, not a normal one.”
      #2 answer: take heart, most men will never be a man HAHA and the definition of normal is so out of our stratosphere relative — the beauty being, we get to define it. (There probably IS no such thing anyways lol and one person’s normal is another’s craycray amen.)
      #2 answer: Consider realigning your own attitude (like adjusting a spine), quit waiting for him to be something else. Work on yourself to stop being the waiting wife. That doesn’t mean leave, but rather how to bring peace and/or order back to your world while you choose to stay. Try thanking the universe (or God) for blessing you with this situation, and that you trust that you’re not in control, and all things happen for a reason. I mean, you never know,… one of your kids might grow up and become THE foremost brilliant scientist regarding PPS. Aaaannd today is only one of the dominoes in line.
      3.) “Is there hope?”
      #3 answer: There is always hope, you just have to choose it. If someone gets cancer, there can be hope, right? If someone has a brain tumor, there can be hope, right? Hope is independent of a cure. The disclaimer part is: hope is not a PLAN (I love that one.) Soooo, if someone gets cancer, hope is probably not going to get rid of it — I’m thinking chemo, dietary or lifestyle change. Brain tumor — radiation, operation… I happen to believe in the type of hope that’s more akin to prayer and POSSIBILITY. You can pray for a new bicycle; the universe always answers. But hello, the answer might be no. Or not now. Or yes with a caveat (get off your butt and make some money dork.) The warning label is, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR,… you just might get it. If you pray for patience, you’ll get a lot of shit to TRY your patience in order to grow the muscle of patience. If you pray for strength, again — think Atlas with the world on his back, that’s one strong mofo, right? I also believe hope should not be the wishful thinking type, the one that’s fluffy — “oh I hope my friend hasn’t left the party yet”, or “I hope I find a good prize in the cereal box”, orrrrr “I hope my next online date doesn’t turn out to be a psycho.” Wish is too much a part of wishy-washy, wanting something to magically happen without action to back it up. Or wishing can be issued as a threat, “I wish I could just run away to mexico.” And then to really complicate things, if you have a NEED for that thing to happen, the universe will deny it until you have released that need. Like needing that cute boy I met in a bar and screwed, to call my number so I’m waiting home every night. (Waiting for your wish to come true is not an action, unfortunately.)
      Lastly, knowing myself,…no,… LEARNING myself — and acknowledging how much I have grown and changed and opened my mind and heart, how can I not believe that others can change too? Seriously if I can change, ANYONE can 😉
      4.) “Can they be helped?”
      #4 answer: There’s a reason that addicts say they’re in recovery, not that they’re cured. I sure know my eating disorder is mostly in remission lol. A long time ago, a boyfriend decided he was going to get me help for my bulimia. He had visited a treatment center and brought home some literature. When I asked what he was reading, he said it was for him not for me. He actually said he wasn’t supposed to let me read it. But back then I was a practicing asshole and harangued and harassed him until he gave in. I thought that book was TOTAL bullshit. 100% malarkey. So how strange was it that a few years AFTER I’d gotten into recovery, read that book and thought it was my new bible?! That every word & sentence was equivalent to Dahli Lamma significance? By then I had also found out that that particular boyfriend could only function in our relationship if I was “sick” and dependent on him, and he was in a position of “saving me.” A dysfunctional relationship is an A, a healthy relationship is an H. An A has two individuals who can’t operate without the other to lean on, and they have a common bond. An H is when two people are individuals and stand on their own, and there’s a common bond. If a member of the A starts trying to stand up straight on their own, the other just leans on it harder or falls down.
      A PP can only be helped if they WANT to be helped. And my opinion is that their mate shouldn’t make themselves the therapist or the helper. You know that dangerous situation when a dieter says, “don’t let me eat BLANK” yet when they are getting ready to chomp on it and you say something, the FIRST thing that’s going to get bitten off, is your head lol. And they will not THANK you for trying to stop them, but they sure as frack will blame you for not. So helping anyone on my own volition (thinking I, the almighty, know the perfect bestest solution to make them,… um,… better), in my opinion is iffy — helping or teaching sends out a certain energy that there’s an agenda or desired outcome. Whereas SHARING, is usually a take it or leave it thang.
      Maybe you mean “can they change”? To which all of the above applies, and in my heart the answer is an emphatic YES.
      The advice that works for me is, BE WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT. i.e. Don’t read a self-help book on “how to stop being bitchy”, then count how many copies you need to buy for all the bitchy people you know haha. Don’t read the PPS book and get the grand idea that IF ONLY your mate read it, they’d see the light and VOILA, run for the phone book to find PPS therapists.
      Be aware that the odds are high that you are depleted and a little burnt-out and waaaay out of practice of making YOURSELF the center of your attention, your devotion,… your help. Practice honoring yourself while extricating yourself from being held as a hostage. You deserve it.

  28. Terri says:

    Am deeply involved with a “Peter Pan” …no marriage..just 8 years of trying to figure out what was wrong…..Now….after realizing what I am living with…I am trying to come to terms with it…feeling the full effects of the disappointment. Feeling literally sick to my stomach! I am still in a state of shock that I didn’t put 2 an 2 together and figure out this guy a long time ago…but then…..2 plus 2 don’t add up to 4 for a “Peter Pan”. Am hoping this sick feeling goes away sometime in the near future.

  29. Here’s a saying I made up,… when I was missing a (different) crazy-neurotic-exboyfriend I had a thought run through my head that he was like heroin to me,… I wanted him so BAD, but he was SO bad for me — I had an epiphany moment, “I miss my heroin, but my heroin doesn’t miss me.” Think about that, your person is probably no more capable of contemplating you or your relationship than the androids in the Alien movies. My opinion is that peter-pans simply lack the gene for “missing” you when they’ve decided relegate you to a closet in the back of their cranium and to moooovvve on. Kind of like when they have a fight with you, The next day they just don’t have a friggin’ memory for it at ALL. (Heebie-geebie shivers up my spine ew.) Their best (stupid) platitude for that is “it’s best to leave the past in the past,… I always try to move on and think positively about the future,…. why are you obsessed with constantly dredging up old news,… (and my personal favorite), when you’re living in the now and are fully present there is no yesterday.”

    Girl, you need to read the book The Peter-Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dr. Dan Kiley. When I was breaking up w/my former ppsb (peterpansyndromeBOY),things were happening that I thought omg I really MUST be just losing my MIND. It started to feel insidiously creepy, like he was pathological,… and I did naawwwt like feeling that way. Not because of worry for him necessarily, but because my pride was screaming at me that there was no WAY I was that type of woman to fall for a serial-killer/psychotic kind of guy (ego ego ego lol.) It really threw my brain into a tornado blender. Then for some reason at about 2am, I woke with a start and remembered that I had purchased that book at a garage sale like a million years ago (not kidding haha my self-help obsession phase was between 19 and now lol.) So got up out of bed and started rummaging through my pack-rat library. I can NOT believe I found it. Sat down and read the entire thing right then & there. MAN, were my eyes opened. Even with all the codependency, dysfunctional family, and psychology stuff I knew — I just had no clue. It really clarified how there are different levels of the specific sections depending on how deeply entrenched the guy is with his “issues.” Same thing w/zodiac signs, there are unmature-powerhungry-(dangerous) Scorpios, or higher evolved ones who have tempered their dark side. I kid you not when I say, I called the ex-ppsb and asked him if he’d be willing to indulge me with taking this quiz at the end of the book, giving me his OWN answers, without my telling him what the book or quiz was for. After some skeptical paranoia (bs excuses) he grudgingly agreed.

    Annie, he took that test and scored in the top-most (bad) group!! Quiz was divided in 3 groups (let’s say STARK-RAGING, MEDIUM-ish, MILD) w/low, med, & high in each group. He ranked in the lowest of S-R. And again, this is him RATING HIMSELF. Fracking hilarious, right?!

    So even though I got a good grasp of what his baggage was about (esp since I had been to his workplace extensively and saw him “function” in that environment, and spent time w/his family) — I knew more importantly I had to take a look at my own. What is it that makes me have Wendy/Tinker tendencies?… Or even want to GO for a “man” like that? (I really get the shudders when I think of that time in my life,… PTSD for sure.)

    If you don’t work to reverse the polarity of your ppsb magnetism — they will always gravitate toward you like a feather sucked into a Hoover. Sincerely, in my experience, no matter how many times you leave this on/off asshat, I mean male, when you think you’ve found someone new — it’ll be the saaame damn guy with just a different face.

    Read the book. And good luck to you Sister-Goddess!
    Kath,

    • Annie says:

      Thanks for your reply Kath. You are so right! I have now read Dan Kiley’s book and several others on the same subject. Scary stuff! How come I didn’t realise there were men out there like this? As you say, they can end the relationship at a moment’s notice without flinching. They are so cold! I totally relate to the brain in a tornado blender comment! And you are right, it is just like trying to give up something you are addicted to. I crave him so much and yet he is torturing me, flaunting his friendships with other women in front of me without any realisation of how much that hurts. Yet he sees he has done no wrong. He just decided the spark had gone out, completely without warning, and left me feeling as though my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. No way am I ever going to fall for Peter Pan again. Thank you so much for sharing.

  30. Annie says:

    I was so relieved to find your blog. After 4 years of an on/off relationship I have just realised that my guy has PPS, and he agrees. I had never heard of it until about a week ago. About a year after we moved in together I found he had a Wendy in another country who he used to go and stay with for two months a year. I objected to a three way relationship and moved out. Since then it has been on/off and there have been two other women on the scene. He says the spark has gone out of our relationship and therefore it should end. He doesn’t realise that once the initial chemistry goes it needs both parties to make themselves emotionally available to make a relationship work. He is not willing to put effort in. There are lots of other symptoms he has – arrogance, inward looking, lack of empathy, taker not a giver, moves from job to job and house to house, loses himself in music, movies and funny jokes, I could go on – he is a text book case. However despite all this I still love him. What do I do?

  31. sbsuz says:

    Whoever wrote this original artical…if u have time please contact me…Id like to talk to you and give u insite about me as well…Thanx!
    Suz~

  32. sbsuz says:

    This story hit the nail on the head for me! OMG…is this the same guy Ive been “seeing” (or, “whatever”?) for over 1 year…..? lol….I’m really NOT laughing as this guy really broke my heart yet he “skips onto someone else w/the greatest of ease”….Argh! Scary thing is…..I finally figured out my hangups in life this year also: I believe I also have Peter Pan Syndrom: As a Woman!!! (yet quite successful in life & business…)…..Oh crap….now just another thing I have to deal with in life…..lol….

  33. Brent Bogan says:

    This is an amazing blog, and well as an amazing concept and theory. Have you seen the movie “unbreakable”? So if this is true what about the opposite or the “balance”? Like a women who is close to her father so she seeks those quality in a guy? Is either scenario actually bad, or does it truly depend on the fortitude of the parties involved? What do you think?

  34. God woman, You’re surviving!!!
    I’m laughing, at how true it resonates, and not just about the guy in question. I feel like there are a lot of guys like him out here, and they just get by on looks, but live totally and unabashedly empty lives, close to their mothers, unable to cut the umbilical.

    Strong women, like you, will survive anything! don’t ever give up on yourself for another guy, ever again. You’re awesome, and you should know it! Hell, put a sticker on your mirror with there words: I AM AWESOME!
    signed: KATH!
    I’ll sign that note when I come see you, and I’m sure everybody else that you know and KNOWS YOU will sign that note.

    Screw stupid guys (and I don’t mean literally)! Forget and ignore the weak, the mama’s boys, forget the immature, forget the inconsiderate, forget those that don’t show respect, forget those that take things for granted , those that lie, those that crush you when you’re down.

    Breathe, and lift out of the darkness. Shine you gorgeous heart out. YOU ARE LOVE!

    Sending you as always: TRUTH LOVE AND LIGHT!

  35. Amazonian Princess says:

    I am speechless and recovering still more so from my actions than HIS inactions. Duration of exposure is irrelevant but all I can say is your HE must have an identical twin to the core. I opened myself to HIM because I wanted to experience this so-called love that many a seemingly silly woman in NY in particular pursues. Not meaning to sound judgmental, but this is how I feel. Forever in pursuit but [insert applicable pronoun] don’t know what [insert applicable pronoun] are chasing which is why [insert applicable pronoun] are so fearful and self-condemning.

    Until recent, I never felt any pressure to fall in line with the masses. As a matter of fact, I have always prided myself on saying “fuck you!” to the establishment, to social conventions, to an ideal up to which I feel I cannot live – I refuse to live or love for that matter. I have always viewed myself as different in part because love from HIM never came so fluidly. I do not trust HIM although I try. I know THEY are not all alike but the ones I deem let off some phermone of possibility tend to lack something important. When I look inside my heart I am convinced that trust is something augmented over time but the seed must be there to begin with so I either trust you or I do not. Whenever I second guess my intuition I have paid for it dearly and deeply. So as I ran from Neverland this time, I was overcome with a cerebral flashback of all those signs you laid out so well above. I grimace at my role as enabler and my consequence of self- entrapment.

    How did I get there? I made a medicinal self-assessment of what I gather was an inability on my behalf to let the HIMS in so I croached in my corner a bit and decided to be less vocal – initially. Pull back, tone it down honey, you’re gonna scare another one off. Only a child or one in a child-like state is going to be perpetually paralyzed by fear or in the case of interfacing with me, raw honesty as defined by moi. As a side note I must admit that I have learned and still am practicing awareness that honesty without compassion is brutality. I am a recovering functioning-with-brutal-honesty towards others – aholic. I am a magnet for these children when it comes to HIMS, my little Peter Pans. No more however. They flock to me because despite their inability to believe in themselves and take accountability for their actions, they want to hide behind this oak tree. They do believe I can save them from themselves I dare say although they would never admit it. I need to be held sometimes. Everything cannot be emotionally one-sided. I am very tired, soulfully tired.

    I was duped in part because I did not want to admit what was so apparently off because I was distracted by HIS credentials (highly decorated doctor), HIS age and therefore imputed maturity (48), HIS status as a divorcee with three almost grown ass children, HIS zealous drive to pursue me – initially – HIS bravery to want me (but now I see for reasons that had no benefit for me) and MY desire to shun off some of the FEMALE energy I attract like flies to shit. Then I had to stop and ask myself what is so bothersome about this to me. Love is love, it really is and I deserve to get what I need and I would like to get what I want as well.

    I am what human beings will ultimately evolve into and embrace- a genderless spirit. I want to attract and sustain what matches my soul and I will not judge myself in whatever form this appears. I am brave; I am strong; I am worthy, I am worthy and therefore shall never settle no matter what. Should I want a child/familly, I am a highly intelligent life form that can make this happen. Peter Pan never-ending neverland occupant shall NEVER again be allowed to fertilize my field of hopes, dreams and capabilities. No pesticides or children whom I don’t create or are akin to allowed. I will create what I want looking straight ahead and never back….

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