Head Above Water

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Perspective

HEAD ABOVE WATER

Swimming is just so,… frelling UNCOMFORTABLE.  There’s supposed to be this rhythmmm, and you’re supposed to be coursing through the water like a dollllphin, and you’re SUPPOSED to be able to breeeeathe — oh but HALE no.  That day just hasn’t come yet.  I mean I do the American-crawl.  I think anyone standing on the side of the pool MIGHT think I’m swimming okay.  (No one’s thrown the life-ring at me.) But I’m IN there, going through the motions, having all the snazzy right equipment (didn’t you know it’s COOL to wear one of those sexy swim-caps making you look like a penis-head?!), got my goggles, I’ve done my googling for tips on how to get better — but it just never seems to feel,… organic, ya’know?  I’ve already got those wax ear-plugs, but I always FEEL like I need a nose clip.  I’m logging the 10 laps every session, but I always FEEL like I need fins (I’m certain size 6.5 pods are just not ENOUGH to be channeling my mermaid tendencies.)  I took lessons when I was little, but always FEEL like there was this critical class I musta missed.  I think swimming is like life.  No wait,… it’s like DATING. No matter how much you do it, you always wonder if you’re doing it right.  Are you supposed to keep doing what’cher doing regardless of whether you’re necessarily feeling smooth or getting “results”?  What’s the result I want?  Swim fast, swim far, swim efficiently, swim comfortably??  Date fast, date more, date until you don’t feel like a dork (nevah gonna happen), date until you don’t ever have to date again in your LIFE hahaha.  Becaaauuuse we all know that dating is supposed to have a goal.  Right.  Which is for it to stop.  Because it’s like swimming and while you’re doing it your head is a circus crowd heckling at you as to WHHYYYY the hell are you putting yourself through this.  And my friends have a joke that I don’t date —  I have relationships.  I don’t know what that MEANS.  Ak yes I do.  It means I don’t get in the pool to practice — and theeeeen I sign up for a triathlon.  So.  I made up this fool extraneous theory exclusive to my universe, that if I swim 20 times, then that uncomfortable feeling will go away.  (Yea don’t ask me how I came up with twenty I pulled it out of my ass.)  It’s not that I’m scared I’ll drown, I just hate that I’m not having JOY.  I picture that I should get that swimmer’s-high of elation so I feel happy and freeee.  (Can anyone tell me when that shit’s going to happen?)  But I don’t feel frrreee, I feel HEAVY.  Like swimming is just a thrashing battle to slow down the inevitable sinking.  Other people seem to float so well, I don’t float!  I watch other people do it and compare myself to them, am I doing it like them?  They look pretty comfortable, they’re probably comfortable right?  They probably know exactly what they’re doing, they have a plan and a strategy, and they look like they’re just zipping along,… meanwhile I’m trying to watch what they’re doing while they’re swimming beside me and THAT almost makes me drown.  Sheezus frikkin’…  I just always feel like I’m in limbo.  I don’t like that.  Purgatory of treading water forevvveeerrrrr.

Dating is a farce, isn’t it?  No one knows what they’re doing.  But they just keep going.  So I’m going to try THAT.  Twenty times.

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