Post Traumatic What?

Posted: March 3, 2011 in Getting Therapyized

Post Traumatic What?

PTSD: Post traumatic stress disorder.  Google that shit and see the trouble THAT looks like.  I went to a therapist for this OTHER issue,… and this is what rolled out of the gumball machine.  A whole new animal that might’ve started the snowball downhill.  Great.  Nothing like going in for a psyche “cold” and finding out there’s a psychotic “tumor.”  So now I get to consider “surgery” to remove it or “radiation” to shrink it,  either way it’s going to be a sewage-ordeal and I get to canoe through it.  It’s a technicality that it’s psychological — but it’s all spiritual to me.  The problem, the process, the recovery, the scar.

What the universe has told me — is I am ready to handle this now.  Otherwise it wouldn’t be coming up to be healed.  We never stop a behavior unless we are ready to change.  A force continues on a straight line until a greater force kwams it to veer.  All things never stay the same.  And I am a constantly evolving entity — so it’s just crap to not get-it that “I” am not and will never be a stagnant static thang.

So I’m in the phase of Sybil when she thought she only had 3 personalities to contend with (bad news), and juuust found out there’s a rugby scrum in there (um worse.)  I feel a little fragile but the ammo I HAVE, is loaded in the paintball-gun and I’m slowly picking those suckers off.  I’m stuck in the carnival shooting-gallery and those metal chickens are whirring by, but I can hear the ting of when the BB finds it mark.  Yea it’s not in any planned order or sequence (Problems-R-Us, alphabetical) — but who cares.  It’s better than hiding under the counter and fighting-back with WISHES.  Not enough buckshot in that shite.

I am putting on my alchemy-raybans and looking at PTSD as if a doctor told me I have diabetes.  Not on my bucket-list but it happens,… and there’s a lot of information and support groups to help.  I’m going to have to take “medication” or adjust my habits accordingly (or a combo of both) but either requires action on my part.  I will have to step-up and increase my awareness for my state-of-being and do status-checks frequently till things level-out.  I have to listen to the doc even if they say things I don’t want to hear. I have to “grieve” that it aint all going my way.  I have to accept that I don’t want this battle to be happening to me — but it is.

My CHOICE in the matter is prettymuch what I have to cling to — and hope is not a plan.

I choose to shake the acid off the rose and assess what’s salvageable.  I choose to be the Poinsettia which can only turn red after sitting in the dark for extended lengths of time for days in a row.  (Crap, why can’t it just be like ONE?! gheeze.)  I choose to fail-forward-fast and not limit myself to slow careful mistakes. I choose to see my situation as blank photographer’s paper basking in a calgon-bath of chemicals in a closet until what’s secretly-imprinted there comes to light.

I don’t know much about this PTSD stuff (I’m used to manufacturing crises of my own lol) but I know I’m not in the boat alone.  For once, this actually isn’t necessarily a flaw on my own part, but rather a reaction to circumstances that I didn’t know had a root in my tree-of-life.  Pruning branches is an obvious thing which chain-saws are an amazing solution for — but something that threads so deep and moles in so MANY hidden forking-tributaries,… is slightly godzilla-intimidating.  I wrestle with vacillating on every aspect aforementioned,… it seems like these kudzu-roots have a lizard’s-tail regeneration-capability and my laser-gun aim needs to be fine-tuned — but what is it going to matter in 5 years?  This sitch is directly in-line with honing my new skill of letting everything be what it IS,… and serenity-prayer’ing the rest.

So the big-bad has squirreled its way to the forefront and I’m in the cage to mixed-martial-artist ‘is arse for the belt.  It’s a good thing I know Karate AND Kung-Fu.

  1. lisa bellomy says:

    you are one of the few people I know that will take a tragedy and be able to make it into a will come out of the ashes as a phoneix rising and claim your your stake in life…you ARE NOT A QUITTER!!!! YOU my friend are a doer, a connector, a maven and a salesman all wrapped into one tiny, kick ass martial arts kung fu, fen shei, budda belly rubbing ultimate fighting machine and you will approach this in that manner and be wildly successful because YOU ARE KATH COUGER KNOX AND YOU KICK ASS IN ALL THAT YOU Do, and you will this too!!!!

  2. Belinda Cross says:

    In honor of Dr. Suess, who would’ve been 100 yesterday, ‘this, too, you can do!”

  3. Lets analyze the name. Post – after, Traumatic – some pretty crazy sh*t that happens to our mind/body, Stress – pretty mush what we all face everyday, Disorder – not organized in an expected manner.

    Names are powerful. I might add a name only has the “power” we give to it. You are no different a person than you were before someone slapped a label on you. You are bigger than some name, don’t let it bring you down.

    Find your peace we are rooting for you.

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