Asking.

Posted: March 2, 2011 in Overcoming Delusion

Asking.

Asking for help is one of the fricking hardest things to do.  Harder thant that mountain I just tried to run up at the Chattahoochee river-trail,… harder than running a half-marathon.  Most of the time I don’t even know I NEED help.  Meh.  I cruise along in my own sandbox of too-high-tolerance-for-pain and it’s only when my metaphorical skin starts to peel and the stink of burning-flesh has me CONTEMPLATING that maybe.  I should remove my hand from the stove.  Ya’know,… maybe.

You know what helps the most?  Is a real friend who says, “hey asshole, how ‘bout taking your damn hand off that there stove for starters.”  — Or a person who says “I am here for you if you need me” — Or someone who says “you mean a lot to us,… keep going, we’ll wait.”

Too often I don’t reach out to others because frankly I am slightly overwhelmed by my OWN world (of late) I’ve tricked myself into thinking that if I step into yours, two or twenty-fold things that I have to shuffle around will inundate & capsize me — and that feels like it’s going to be a liiiittle more overwhelm onto my head pushing me under the surface.  But it’s like love.  When you give some you don’t lose it — rather, it multiplies like tribbles, instead.

I realize I hadn’t been in contact with close-friends & family as much as I wanted (should) because I didn’t want to LIE in response to the inevitable “so how you been” jeopardy-on-crack question.  WAY too many worms in that can, — and “fine” (fucked-up insecure neurotic egotistical) just hurt too much in it flip fraudulence.  I realized that calling or sending a message OUT to them meant I might need to be ready to respond.  And I just wasn’t equipped for that recently.  But now,… Now I am open for business.  I am a start-up company that doesn’t know what the hell I’m doing — but by-God I’m GOOD at it!! (lol)  I’m not even going to bother to say “forgive me, I’m not very proficient at this yet (being a real-person.)”   It’s more a matter of “dude, I’m part of the CLUB  now! Let’s fuck this shit up TOGETHER ohyeababy.”

I’ve been “living” (questionable) in a cave of my own isolation and demise.  Which means I stood myself apart looking in-on the zoo and thought I was making a CHOICE to stand above.  But really, what I was doing was standing alone.  And craving to be part of the group.  I comforted myself with the delusion that I’m non-to-comfortable with team-sports (I do “better” at loner-things) because what I was really.  Afraid of,… was the fear that I’d let someone else down. I’d embarrass myself because I couldn’t catch that frisbee and you’d hate me for losing the game.  What this did was negate all the skills I DO have (I’m pretty good for a girl at throwing a football and I can block like a mutha’fuka) — in order to give-life to the gargantuan-ogre of insecurity.  All insecurity is, is security that hasn’t baked yet.  I didn’t know that everyone messes up or has an off-day and that’s OKAY!  Pressure on ourselves is much fatter than all the participants of the Biggest Loser — right on our heads.  So then we recto-cranially-invert ourselves thinking the load will be lighter if it’s where the sun don’t shine.

No go.

I thought to myself today “I like reaching out to my friends because they’re great and they like me and I don’t CARE if I’m ready or not-ready to respond,… it iz what it IZ and maybe we can help each OTHER.”  And it’s so stupid-awesome that connecting with them helps ME.  Helps me to get out of my self-imposed shell-o’hell (when I’m in that shell I am a frelling slow-ass snail) — helps me to pay-it-forward (instead of hoarding the love like a miser) — helps me to want to give more — helps me to appreciate myself as the person who is human just doing the best she can.

See,… I did a crazy thing the other week,… I asked the universe for help.  And guess what?  It fucking ANSWERED.  With a resounding YES.  So when the helping-hands came, who am I to smack them away?  I was honor-bound to deliver on MY end and take it.  Grab ahold and hang on tight.  Now I’m being flung around like a tetherball in circles by the daunting numbers of offers to help.

And all because I asked.

What else is out there that I’ve been too much of a moron to ask for?

Advertisements
Comments
  1. lisa bellomy says:

    mmmhhh maybe an autograph from George Clooney!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE and the universe answered with a YES cuz you is loved!!! plain and simple cupcake…you are human..which I know for a coug such as yourself that is hard to imagine, but its true!!! you bleed, hurt, snap and boing back outta wanting to be the best and you ARE!!!

Put in your 2 cents

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s