Sometimes Nothing IS Something

Posted: September 5, 2010 in theSlice

Coug & Pistol

Sometimes Nothing IS Something

I haven’t blogged in a minute.  I think about it every day.  I jot down ideas and start blurbing — but the seeds didn’t blossom.  There was a time when I would get down on myself when I went through lazy-phases but I shifted my attitude by leaving myself more open to things chemicalizing inside,… like the yeast in bread making it rise.  (Funny coming from someone who doesn’t eat yeast or gluten lol.)  An important aspect of creating is stepping back and assessing what you’re making… or letting the pieces parts fall into place.  Like resting for recovery after working-out — if you miss that facet, you’re toast.  Like giving yourself regroup time after a breakup — if you charge into the next thing you’ll probably ride back into the same groove.  I changed my thinking that it was ALL,… a part of the process, that not-writing was contributing to the eventual writing.  Some ideas just need to bake.

Time in a relationship is like that.  Sometimes you’re together, sometimes you’re not — but somehow the time passing does something to glue things better for the future.  The time invested puts a confidence in myself and the other person in how faith happens between us.  Proof of truth, nobility in action, reliability in what to expect, delight at being surprised.  Ultimately, we do what we can and then can only sit back to see what unfolds.  Life happens, and when I sit down at the computer, we’ll see what comes out of my fingertips.

I planted some lavender, rosemary, mint, & basil.  A huge tree fell down in my front yard.  I saw a hummingbird at a feeder my mom gave me.  I think I will do another Adventure Race.  I shredded a bunch of crap and threw away a shitload of junk.  I got a two presents in the mail.  I have my muscleup no problem but I think I lost my double-under.  I found all my notes from a screenplay I thought I lost when my laptop crashed.  I met Daisy Luna.  And I’m seriously crushing on a guy.

When you’re going from day to day it’s so easy to float along thinking nothing is going on.  We have come to think in terms of momentous occasions and tend to overlook the mundane.  In Anthony De Mello’s book Awareness, it’s about getting caught up in the daily regular stuff to witness the joy there and appreciate it, appreciate ourselves.  I derived a lot of self-satisfaction from making my little garden.  I made the special effort to go to a particular nursery and choose what I wanted.  The pots had been sitting there, dead.  My last foray ended in predictable outcome given my black-thumb tendencies — but I really wanted to try again.  I always love to pinch off a leaf and smell that savory aroma on my hands.  It just feels so earthy and naturey, breathing in that scent just reconnects me.  Now the pots are teeming with life and invitation.  When I come to my door, it’s the first thing I see — and it pleases me.  Pure ego, I smile because I made the effort to make my home welcoming to ME.  Please God help that shit to grow because I’m really trying HARD this time lol — and that’s all I have to do,… do my best then wait to see how the weather and seasons and time affect these plants.

I want to take a picture of that hummingbird for my mom.  She gave that red-bulb-sugar-thingy to me and I swear for a year it’s been hanging in that tree and I’ve never seen a freaking hummingbird at it EVER.  But I have a voicemail message saved from the other day when she called me whispering in the phone, “Kathy, (only family calls me Kathy), the hummingbird is here again… it’s there outside the window, it’s been coming about the same time the last few days,… I think it comes to visit me…” And yes, she is whispering, like the bird could overhear her or something — and I could picture exactly where she was standing, in the kitchen looking out the window, because I know where her feeder hangs.  She just had to call and share that moment with someone and it made me smile because it was me.  She’s a pain-in-the-ass but my mom is just so friggin’ CUTE.  And she made me and she loves me and I’ve seen her grow and change and TRY.  We have gone through some major ups & downs, so much grace, so much righteous fighting.  …And then maybe the same day, I was sitting outside and there was the hummingbird!  The first thing I wanted to do was call my mom.  How silly is that?  No really,… how perfect is that?  So now, I’ve been spending a little time every day sitting and waiting.  I’m not irked that I haven’t seen it again… I’m just kind of excited that when I do, and get the picture, I’ll give it to her and it will make her so happy.

I threw away a computer monitor.  I’m talking a gargantuan behemoth from when big was NOT good.   I’d been carting it to every place I moved thinking I was going to do something with it.  I mean, the flatscreen is so streamlined and light — but you’re SUPPOSED to refurbish or sell-on-ebay or bequeath it to the needy,… SOMETHING, right?  Well I got tired of staring at that thing and just said fuckit.  My landlord had put a bunch of stuff on the street after their not-so-successful garage sale, and when I found myself perusing THEIR junk to see if I needed anything to become MY junk, I mustered up the backbone to say NO THANK YOU, and then garnered up the resolve to add some of my crap to the pile.  I know people drive around in trucks just collecting this stuff, so I put a sign on the screen that said “yes this works, ENJOY” and left the rest to fate.  Within an hour it was gone and I was filled with HALLELUJAH(!) gladness.  I felt so much lighter just knowing that when I pack up and move to Beverly, that I would NOT have to lug that sucker around.  The relief to my lightness-in-being was worth more than the $12 I probably would’ve gotten for it.  Plus what I’ve gotten by releasing an anchor is I created a void for the universe to fill it with some new.

One of the best things on the planet is watching a baby grow.  You don’t make it do anything, you CAN’T.  You just be quiet and look at her and hold her and marvel at how tiny and wonderful her fingernails and ears are,… and you observe her taking in the world.  You watch her watching.   You wonder what she sees what she thinks, how things must look from her perspective.  It makes you think about your own life and that you used to be in a place like that, and now we walk through our day not noticing things.  Stopping for a moment to spend time with that new baby makes one realize the time we waste.  Because there is nothing more precious than doing nothing, with her.

So about this crush… Aren’t crushes just GREAT?!  They fill you with this shy zingyness inside, that you can’t really do anything about.  But you suddenly got the motivation to take care of business.  Contemplate how your body is, consider how your life looks from the outside in, daydream, fantasize.  I remember once a girl said about a boy paying attention to her, “He’s so sweet but I don’t really want to encourage him, I think he has a crush on me and I don’t have one on him, and I don’t want to hurt him.”  I said “Who are you to deny him his crush?”  I went on to say how I love that I’m secretly in-love with Keanu Reeves (not that he really counts, since he’s actually one of my soulmates that I think I will eventually end up with hehe) or Vin Diesel (whose birthday is in my outlook calendar 😉 — that I get a certain zestiness and spike in my creativity when I make-up scenarios in my mind for when we will meet and I’ll be the one for them and we’ll marry and live happily ever after.  And how limp would my fantasy-life be if they found out I had a crush on them and they said “don’t have a crush on me, it’s not allowed, I don’t have a crush on you, and I don’t want to hurt you.”  I mean puh-leese.  Movie-stars are put on this earth FOR us to have crushes on.  And I said to this girl, what harm would it do you or sweet-guy if he’s allowed to have his crush?  You should LOVE the idea of someone having a crush on you, you should relish it, CHERISH it.  How lucky are you to have someone moon over you?  It’s not leading him on.  You should enjoy it, not squelch it.  The energy of putting up a wall to repel his “like” seems cold & aloof really… to be not-receptive to his adoration just feels somewhat destructive.  I like it when someone LIKES me.  You should let him like you.   And like it.  So as crushes go, I think I have my act together.  I am reveling in this phase when I’m a little bit giddy and have butterflies.  He might not like-like me, but I’m okay with that for now, I don’t have to make it into something more — because this is about ME.  The dancey feeling inside that makes me want to do it on the outside.  The wishing he would call.  Smirking when I send a suggestive innuendo text and he reacts GOOD.  Feeling awe-shucks when he gives me compliments on my legs.  That is all about ME.  About being brighter inside and having it spill as happiness onto others.  Letting myself have this is not turning it into a full-blown dating scene.  We don’t even date, I’m just sighing from afar.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not unrequited — this is just the beginning waiting will-you-be-my-brother-or-lover phase.  Gotta make it through this one to get to the next.  So I am jigging-it-up with appreciating this new-ness of the IDEA of having someone in my life.  Having a crush is basically the foreplay of a relationship.  And right now, all I have to do,… is nothing.

So that’s what I’ve been doing lately… sitting back, letting things simmer.  I wonder what kind of soup destiny is going to give me.

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Comments
  1. Klowe says:

    Great writing! Reminds me of one of my favorite song lyrics by jj grey. “Its the little things, little things, not expectations…..that make life worth living”.

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