Surviving Peter-Pan Syndrome

I was in love.  He had Peter-Pan Syndrome (PPS). We didn’t make it.

I’ve read the book (The Peter-Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up by Dr. Dan Kiley) but it’s a lot to grasp and can’t find much more current information or help.  I want to connect with other people who have dealt with this syndrome,…those who are victims or survivors. This is not a bitchy-girl blog where every chick complains about how bad he was — I am of the mind that it takes two to tango and I take full responsibility that I am a “Tinkerbell”. (“Wendys” or “Peters” — I want to hear from you too.)

I am speaking strictly from my own personal soulful experience.  (Which basically means I have no fucking clue what’s really going on, and I’m just doing my best to make it through the mire LOL)

I am a girl. Whose heart is slightly broken. Who is seeking to understand what happened.  To her,… to what she thought was real,.. to love,… to her man she loved deeply.

I am going to write a book, so I will post excerpts and trust that the universe will bring me a support circle.  I hope you are a part of that.

xxoo, Tinker.

I honestly didn’t know what it was like to be with someone who has a sort of… pathological inability to feel empathy.  Coupled with narcissism and bravado, Electra-complex dependency on his mom, with profound insecurity and whole lot of self-pity thrown in.  This means you have a guy who APPEARS to be carefree and young-at-heart at the same time he’s petulantly bossy (mistaken for alpha-ness), while at the same time being wholly innocent-appearing in his inept relating (verbal, emotional, and sexual.) And nothing’s ever his fault.  Nothing.  He’s never to blame although he’s constantly apologizing and crying — he never sees anything as his responsibility even as he’s bouncing checks and the water gets shut off — he doesn’t see your unhappiness as a direct result of his inaction and breaking his promises over & over — he doesn’t see himself for how his pseudo-cheerfulness is actually a little creepily inappropriate.  He doesn’t see his juvenile jokes as ill-timed when you’re asking for serious reassurance, he doesn’t see his lack of action as anything connected to his not doing anything, he doesn’t realize that he sucks up ANY information about himself yet doesn’t bother to notice that you’re bleeding.  He pretends to listen all while planning what he is going to say, but if you ask him to pony up the goods to respond he falls back on the mantra of “I don’t know what to say.”  He’s a middle-aged man who drives drunk and loves to be part of a party.  His idea of cherishing you is letting you do things for him and being eternally grateful (he is actually quite delighted that he should deserve such wonderful attention from you and praises you continuously as to how he’d never get along without you).  He forgets to give you a Christmas present. He basically forgets anything of detail that you’ve ever told him about you.  His feelings are always hurt yet you could be crying and suffering an anxiety attack right in front of him, stating so, and he will abandon you to go work-out then later when confronted with his insensitivity, say “I didn’t know!”

He will readily admit things like “I’m not good at talking about my feelings”, “It’s a tragedy that family always comes last”, “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do!”  He has a strange “blindness” to many things you say, wear, or do — he may mention that he loves something or wants something, but when you do it, he blatantly JUST doesn’t notice.

He takes sexual dysfunction to a whole other level — he says he wants sex, talks a LOT about it, speaks boastingly about his conquests and skills — but doesn’t initiate, doesn’t enact what he says he’s so good at or likes so much, if you push the issue he is physically unresponsive. He’s jumpy if you put the moves on him, if you touch his privates he may actually squeal & jump back, instead of leaning into the touch (as most guys would.  Hell, even a guy who’s mad at you, if you touch him down there, he WILL unwittingly respond.)  Think of a nervous kid who accidentally gets his dick touched, he’s uncomfortably excited yet scared and anxious by his body’s new responses.  Most might want to explore this condition like an adventure, I imagine some reject it as a fearful affliction.

He’s fantastic at wide-eyed innocence, to the point where you question your own memory or perceptions.

Often when a situation calls for a somber note of serious attention (for you), he’ll contrive a drama that should take precedence (and pretend like he doesn’t deserve the stage, all the while sucking you in and telling you anyways, thereby monopolizing the conversation.)

Often when you want him to state the simple truth, he’ll crack a stupid overly-cheerful joke.

Has amnesia.  About a lot.  For fights you’ve just had… and acts like a Mr. Rogers Stepford-wife.  A new day means a fresh slate and he doesn’t recall that you were mad, there was a horrible fight, and most especially that he was supposed to make amends or DO something to fix it.

He appears to be genuinely touched by acts of service or gifts that others give, but he rarely returns the favor.

He’s stingy and doesn’t notice that he didn’t contribute money or do any work.
He takes you for granted most of the time.  Even though all he wants is to be around you.

He feels guilty all the time while doing nothing about it.

He complains about situations in his life that he just doesn’t understand how they got so out of control — he doesn’t associate HIS part in it.  He really acts completely baffled and is a broken-record for the phrase “I just don’t know how this happened” (but can’t cite any reason why it shouldn’t have).

He can’t seem to think on his own to figure out what things need to be done.  Even if you make a list, the next day he will draw a blank on what tasks to tackle.

He really truly fights like an eleven year-old.  He hits below the belt, says unimaginably horrible and caustic things — but afterwards says he didn’t mean any of it.  He actually doesn’t really remember what he said, yet also isn’t that shocked by the toxicity of the words (i.e. doesn’t show remorse or contrition.)

He never really makes up for what he says he’s sorry for.

He displays an unnatural gaity in situations when it’s beyond inappropriate.

Sometimes he will just disappear in the middle of a party that you’re both putting on, he’ll be in bed asleep.

When he gets drunk his personality changes.

He has no deep relationships, people who he regularly has heart-to-heart talks with.

He is not close to his mother even though he’s a mama’s-boy.  So it’s a strange kind of “not close” (even though she may do considerably for him.)

He has a lot of anxiety attacks.

He thinks you’re the strongest person on the planet and needs you.

He’s a big-talker.

Inability to notice what’s going on around him.