Asking.

Asking.

Asking for help is one of the fricking hardest things to do.  Harder thant that mountain I just tried to run up at the Chattahoochee river-trail,… harder than running a half-marathon.  Most of the time I don’t even know I NEED help.  Meh.  I cruise along in my own sandbox of too-high-tolerance-for-pain and it’s only when my metaphorical skin starts to peel and the stink of burning-flesh has me CONTEMPLATING that maybe.  I should remove my hand from the stove.  Ya’know,… maybe.

You know what helps the most?  Is a real friend who says, “hey asshole, how ‘bout taking your damn hand off that there stove for starters.”  — Or a person who says “I am here for you if you need me” — Or someone who says “you mean a lot to us,… keep going, we’ll wait.”

Too often I don’t reach out to others because frankly I am slightly overwhelmed by my OWN world (of late) I’ve tricked myself into thinking that if I step into yours, two or twenty-fold things that I have to shuffle around will inundate & capsize me — and that feels like it’s going to be a liiiittle more overwhelm onto my head pushing me under the surface.  But it’s like love.  When you give some you don’t lose it — rather, it multiplies like tribbles, instead.

I realize I hadn’t been in contact with close-friends & family as much as I wanted (should) because I didn’t want to LIE in response to the inevitable “so how you been” jeopardy-on-crack question.  WAY too many worms in that can, — and “fine” (fucked-up insecure neurotic egotistical) just hurt too much in it flip fraudulence.  I realized that calling or sending a message OUT to them meant I might need to be ready to respond.  And I just wasn’t equipped for that recently.  But now,… Now I am open for business.  I am a start-up company that doesn’t know what the hell I’m doing — but by-God I’m GOOD at it!! (lol)  I’m not even going to bother to say “forgive me, I’m not very proficient at this yet (being a real-person.)”   It’s more a matter of “dude, I’m part of the CLUB  now! Let’s fuck this shit up TOGETHER ohyeababy.”

I’ve been “living” (questionable) in a cave of my own isolation and demise.  Which means I stood myself apart looking in-on the zoo and thought I was making a CHOICE to stand above.  But really, what I was doing was standing alone.  And craving to be part of the group.  I comforted myself with the delusion that I’m non-to-comfortable with team-sports (I do “better” at loner-things) because what I was really.  Afraid of,… was the fear that I’d let someone else down. I’d embarrass myself because I couldn’t catch that frisbee and you’d hate me for losing the game.  What this did was negate all the skills I DO have (I’m pretty good for a girl at throwing a football and I can block like a mutha’fuka) — in order to give-life to the gargantuan-ogre of insecurity.  All insecurity is, is security that hasn’t baked yet.  I didn’t know that everyone messes up or has an off-day and that’s OKAY!  Pressure on ourselves is much fatter than all the participants of the Biggest Loser — right on our heads.  So then we recto-cranially-invert ourselves thinking the load will be lighter if it’s where the sun don’t shine.

No go.

I thought to myself today “I like reaching out to my friends because they’re great and they like me and I don’t CARE if I’m ready or not-ready to respond,… it iz what it IZ and maybe we can help each OTHER.”  And it’s so stupid-awesome that connecting with them helps ME.  Helps me to get out of my self-imposed shell-o’hell (when I’m in that shell I am a frelling slow-ass snail) — helps me to pay-it-forward (instead of hoarding the love like a miser) — helps me to want to give more — helps me to appreciate myself as the person who is human just doing the best she can.

See,… I did a crazy thing the other week,… I asked the universe for help.  And guess what?  It fucking ANSWERED.  With a resounding YES.  So when the helping-hands came, who am I to smack them away?  I was honor-bound to deliver on MY end and take it.  Grab ahold and hang on tight.  Now I’m being flung around like a tetherball in circles by the daunting numbers of offers to help.

And all because I asked.

What else is out there that I’ve been too much of a moron to ask for?